snow and sunshine

I walked outside this morning, with a pig in my arms, the snow was cold and sun shined bright. It felt like spring was just around the corner, and I should be searching for the first bulbs to pop through the snow. It feels like it will be a year of growth, and a more adult feel to my life. It has been a good winter. I have felt more like myself this winter than in ones past. Usually I will get into a funk and feel insecure, lonely and not know what to do with myself.

At the beginning of this winter, I made a deal with myself. Do something that makes you happy. Like drawing, writing, cleaning a closet, watching a movie, do nothing, do something, learn something new. Do something Ellen that will make yourself feel happy each day. Also, be okay with not doing anything. Let yourself off the hook. This is your break of the year, you run your ass off the whole rest of the year. Take this time to let your mind and body rejuvenate. You don’t have to have a list you complete everyday. It is important to take time for you, the inner you, and outer you. Stay organized and yet be okay with the fact that you may have not put those clothes away.

Tapping into the skills I have that I ignore throughout the spring summer and fall. Like drawing and writing. I haven’t written in the longest time. I felt like there was a part of me I was neglecting. Same with drawing. I forget that I am pretty good at it. I will toot my own horn on that one. I love my art! What ends up on the paper. Seeing the visions I have become a reality on the piece of paper. Being in control of the outcome. Knowing I can make it happen. Then turning the page and starting anew.

I recommend you find yourself each day. When you feel that breeze blow across your face and you feel it flood your soul with freshness. There are moments like that when you see who you are on the inside. Knowing that you are strong and can concur the day, week, year ahead. Those moments are important to remember.

It is easy to lose yourself in the daily grind, slave to the dollar, societies judgements, rules and stipulations.

Hold onto the fierceness inside your soul.

Let the fire burn bright behind your eyes.

Feel the vibrations of the earth, steady and pure, flowing into your body.

Embrace yourself. Be true to yourself. Love yourself.

~Write and Explore~

So it starts

Spring is here….yeah I wrote those the words on February 28th. Sheesh it gets busy fast.

Now planting is in full swing, and there isn’t much time to breath. I think I need to hire a full time cook to make me dinner each night because frankly my dear I don’t give a flying leap sometimes. Yeah yeah I do it anyways. It is my job, and let’s face it I do love my family a lot. I’ll stop bitching and be happy I have a family to come home to.

I should be sleeping but can digress quite well, and my molar hurts. Might be from grinding my teeth but feels more like a cavity…and that’s all I need right now after just buying a car. Not.

I know I owe a fellow reader a post about my life having a pig as a pet. I will work on it and hopefully have it done soon. I like to keep my word.

I need a robot to bring me an ibuprofen…or 3.

End thought….

I m trapped between two pigs and am thirsty.
Night world. Hope your dreams aren’t as crazy and busy like mine.

an adult

I had lunch with my mom yesterday. We have done this only one time before. She said something to me that stuck in my mind and touched my heart.  She said:

“No matter what you choose in your life, I will support you and stand beside you.” 

Knowing that my mother, whose opinion matters deeply, loves and supports me no matter what. She said along with that later that night, when I called and thanked her, said:

“Your kids will do whatever they feel is right no matter what when they are older 

so I need to stand by them.” 

I have gotten closer to my mother over the past few years. Especially this last year. It finally feels like we are equal adults, and able to talk without me feeling like a child anymore. It is a blessing to feel the support of my decisions, even though I would decide what I thought was right without approval. We all have to follow our hearts and guts and pray for the guidance along our own personal journeys.

Being confident in yourself, and your God leading your path, knowing that you are doing what is best for you, your family, your loved ones, is what matters.

Taking each day at a time. Not worrying. Loving completely. Laugh. Pray. Encourage. Forgive. Motivate yourself. Take time for You. Dance. Live. Be silent. Be loud. Be You. Give Kindness. Help others when you see a need. Be Chivalrous. Sing too loud. Be happy you have air in your lungs and a day to live to its fullest.

“See others for what and who they Are

Not for what You want them to be”


how many new beginnings…

How many times do I have to have the same epiphany about the same shit, it’s the little things that I stress about that I really don’t need to stress about. I blame having space in my brain that isn’t filled with flowers….I should fill it with flowers again. I need to fill it with flowers and stuff anyways. I have Spring crawling up the driveway like a worm on steroids getting ready to knock on my door and slap me in the face, or make me slip on it and fall on my ass… Lets hope for the last one. I really don’t need to fall on my ass when I have this big of a responsibility on my shoulders. But the best thing I can do is be prepared for it and get all the knowledge I can and keep it in there for future use. That would be the smart thing to do. There is no one to teach me but me. And that is a little difficult being your own teacher and driving yourself forward. But I guess if I ever want to have my own business and to run things myself then I need to have that self motivation and preservation in my blood and hardwired into my mind on a continual basis.

I have felt better today, mentally probably because I got up when the pigs wanted breakfast and stayed awake as opposed to laying in bed for another hour making myself even more tired. It helped to have that quiet time before the house was awake.

I need to remind myself somehow…and I will work on the method …as to how to keep myself reminded of what I am capable of doing. How strong I am mentally and what I can do. What I have overcome and what I can overcome. What God can do in my life, and where he can lead me.

Patience…I need patience.

There is some sort of messed up emotional rollercoaster floating through my teen boys head and its insane! 🙂 I m sure you other moms out there get what I m saying. Wow. Love that boy to pieces but man I think the teen years are going to be the hardest for us. I am hoping the girl is easier when it comes to the teen years. She already is, which means one easy…one more challenging child. Bring it on 🙂 I am ready….I will need more coffee though. 🙂


unexciting…slightly eventful

I don’t think there will be enough coffee for me to get through this day without losing it. We shall see how the fibers of space and time bid today.

I didn’t write at all yesterday, and I don’t think I wrote the day before. I actually did my plant research and wrote almost all of my notes for growing in the spring. I have some more to do but I will get it done. I don’t know why I have been so exhausted lately. It sucks. I know that exercise is a big part of it. When I actually do my work out during the day and mental stimulation I sleep pretty good, considering the other factors of the little Pigs not waking me up too early, etc.

I don’t have any riveting epiphanies to talk about, nor do I have any dark hatred lingering. Mostly it is exhaustion from the past few weeks fretting about stuff. It caught up to me, not sleeping for that time. I guess I can not complain much, my guy doesn’t sleep very well at all…ever. But I love my sleep and am shit without it. It does not mesh well with me. I just can’t catch up. I would like to stop chasing fluffy pillows and soft blankets for quiet and rest. There has to be another reason as to why I am not sleeping good, or am tired all day.

I wrote a poem yesterday in my head…then I lost it. Pissed me off. I need to force myself to try to write like that again, and keep my paper handy so those random thoughts don’t float out the window and fly down the street as I drive, or floating away on soap bubbles while washing dishes. Trust me I have watched so many writings float up into the ether it is lunatic.

I feel the need for a hike, even though its snowy and cold. It would be invigorating and cleansing to the mind and soul.

… I stopped writing yesterday and finished getting ready etc. and continued on with my day.

Now it is the next morning and I am having a  difficult time typing due to the fact I thought it would be Oh so Fun to try and slice the top of my pinky off while prepping dinner…Good times. I am fancy today with my Pinky Held High. Gotta love the throbbing pain and constant worry that I m going to smash it or smack it on something…..all I have to say is coffee coffee coffee and more coffee.

Green tips…snow on the ground…

When I started this blog I never thought I would actually get followers and people who appreciate or found interest in my words, my thoughts my messed up emotional rants and frequent freak outs about life and all the crap that goes on in my life. I have followers….crazy. I don’t really know how to take it.

I find myself thinking…holy shit people actually read my crap. It lets the door open that could possibly lead to me writing for a living and actually having the future I have envisioned in my head for a lifetime. Would it be possible to be successful at this? Or am I just entertaining an imaginary elusive day-dream that will always be a little out of my reach? Who knows, all I can do is keep doing what I do for myself until that heavy oak door swings wide open and the light shines through onto the mahogany floors lighting the path that is revealed.

Its snowing again. I like it but feel extremely stressed about the spring time. I have never grown flowers in a greenhouse before and it freaks me the fuck out to be honest with myself. Can I do it. Sure I can but it doesn’t stop the nerves from vibrating inside my mind and limbs constantly. I have had a lot of experience with plants and stuff but have never been given the responsibility of growing plants for 11 acres before. All the beauty of the yard in my hands. Shit that reminds me I have to find plants still. Ahh. I ll do it tomorrow or Monday, and get them shipped. Crap.

My coffee is fantastic this morning. I am loving it. My jammies are comfy but I fear it is time for me to get my ass out of my chair and start my day, being 12:31 and all. Ehh its Saturday right? I have the right to veg and be a bum for a while.

So Skylar Grey is pretty awesome. She is soothing to my mind, lets me calm my nerves and silence the voices for a little while. So many voices, and big elephants sitting on all my crap. I love writing, typing and feeling like I have given my words the proper place to rest for eternity. I should really work on one of the books I have started a year ago. I have about a paragraph on each of them and that’s it. We’ll see, writing something from start to finish is hard for me to imagine. It is a dedication of thought and time, and the stress of coming up with all the words to fill all the pages. It will come with the time is right.

Alright, times up for me. Until the next flow of words overwhelms my mind, and trips me as I try to focus on ordinary tasks.

wet nails and sunshine

Keeping with my word I will label my posts randomly if they have no purpose other than to simply exist. And this will be a short one. I feel it a necessity to write everyday. I write in my when I am trying to fall asleep and have so much I say to myself all day that it has to get out sometime, even if no one listens this isn’t what this is for.  It if for me to have a place to spill the shit out of my brain that runs rapid all day or night messing up my important thoughts. I talk to myself out loud if I don’t write it down. The most small random thought can invade a silent moment and stay there like an unwanted gray hair…sticking above all the rest. Here I am! It says…Shut up! I say to it. Does it listen. Nope.

The sun is shining and it reminds me that spring is coming sooner than I thought. Yikes. My springs and summers are so busy I can barely sit still. Plants wait for no one to grow, be grown and be planted and maintained. But hey, they don’t talk back, they smell and look fantastic and are the silent beauties of the world. I am blessed.

~I love the sun~

~So I hate labeling my posts…it will now say whatever pops into my head~

~God is good. And He is not afraid to test me, try me and push me to my limits…because He knows I will prevail with Him on my side and as my focus. Remember that Ellen…and don’t forget it…ever.

For many years I have struggled with confidence in myself, feeling insecure, being comfortable in my own skin, being able to speak my feelings, second guessing every single one of my actions making sure they are not going to make anyone around me upset. I used to never be this way. Lots of shit went down over the course of the last 10 years to create all of these messed up problems in my head and emotions. Lets face it, I may look like I have my shit together but I have problems and personal issues I choose not to share with anyone.

I know people say there are good days and bad. I say there are not days but minutes or hours. The constant battle there is mentally is exhausting, these are issues that are all my own and because I have not just listened to the voice inside of me the first time it speaks. I see reality and am clouded by hope and dreams. My emotions fly off into every directions, each painting their own picture and shoving it in my face. I cannot follow my emotions. I have to follow the real facts, the truth that slaps me in the face, the cold hard reality that is there. No matter what the outcome is…God has put that reality in front of me to embrace…So what holds me back. Lack of Courage? Faith? Strength? or the simple fact that I know that God placed a Grown Up Reality before me but it is has not been revealed yet. Like I said before…a precipice…

I will do my best to hold onto those moments that I am given where I feel like I am ready for any future, any reality, any decision needing to be made. In these moments of clarity, as brief as they are, the space in my mind opens, there is a large flat field, blue skies above and low laying billowing clouds. Birds chirp, the sun shines and a cool breeze blows through my hair. That is what I will fix my mind on and center it in my chest, tracing the image over and over again until it is permanent. ~

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