I had lunch with my mom yesterday. We have done this only one time before. She said something to me that stuck in my mind and touched my heart. She said:
“No matter what you choose in your life, I will support you and stand beside you.”
Knowing that my mother, whose opinion matters deeply, loves and supports me no matter what. She said along with that later that night, when I called and thanked her, said:
“Your kids will do whatever they feel is right no matter what when they are older
so I need to stand by them.”
I have gotten closer to my mother over the past few years. Especially this last year. It finally feels like we are equal adults, and able to talk without me feeling like a child anymore. It is a blessing to feel the support of my decisions, even though I would decide what I thought was right without approval. We all have to follow our hearts and guts and pray for the guidance along our own personal journeys.
Being confident in yourself, and your God leading your path, knowing that you are doing what is best for you, your family, your loved ones, is what matters.
Taking each day at a time. Not worrying. Loving completely. Laugh. Pray. Encourage. Forgive. Motivate yourself. Take time for You. Dance. Live. Be silent. Be loud. Be You. Give Kindness. Help others when you see a need. Be Chivalrous. Sing too loud. Be happy you have air in your lungs and a day to live to its fullest.
“See others for what and who they Are
Not for what You want them to be”
I don’t think there will be enough coffee for me to get through this day without losing it. We shall see how the fibers of space and time bid today.
I didn’t write at all yesterday, and I don’t think I wrote the day before. I actually did my plant research and wrote almost all of my notes for growing in the spring. I have some more to do but I will get it done. I don’t know why I have been so exhausted lately. It sucks. I know that exercise is a big part of it. When I actually do my work out during the day and mental stimulation I sleep pretty good, considering the other factors of the little Pigs not waking me up too early, etc.
I don’t have any riveting epiphanies to talk about, nor do I have any dark hatred lingering. Mostly it is exhaustion from the past few weeks fretting about stuff. It caught up to me, not sleeping for that time. I guess I can not complain much, my guy doesn’t sleep very well at all…ever. But I love my sleep and am shit without it. It does not mesh well with me. I just can’t catch up. I would like to stop chasing fluffy pillows and soft blankets for quiet and rest. There has to be another reason as to why I am not sleeping good, or am tired all day.
I wrote a poem yesterday in my head…then I lost it. Pissed me off. I need to force myself to try to write like that again, and keep my paper handy so those random thoughts don’t float out the window and fly down the street as I drive, or floating away on soap bubbles while washing dishes. Trust me I have watched so many writings float up into the ether it is lunatic.
I feel the need for a hike, even though its snowy and cold. It would be invigorating and cleansing to the mind and soul.
…..so I stopped writing yesterday and finished getting ready etc. and continued on with my day.
Now it is the next morning and I am having a difficult time typing due to the fact I thought it would be Oh so Fun to try and slice the top of my pinky off while prepping dinner…Good times. I am fancy today with my Pinky Held High. Gotta love the throbbing pain and constant worry that I m going to smash it or smack it on something…..all I have to say is coffee coffee coffee and more coffee.
When I started this blog I never thought I would actually get followers and people who appreciate or found interest in my words, my thoughts my messed up emotional rants and frequent freak outs about life and all the crap that goes on in my life. I have followers….crazy. I don’t really know how to take it.
I find myself thinking…holy shit people actually read my crap. It lets the door open that could possibly lead to me writing for a living and actually having the future I have envisioned in my head for a lifetime. Would it be possible to be successful at this? Or am I just entertaining an imaginary elusive day-dream that will always be a little out of my reach? Who knows, all I can do is keep doing what I do for myself until that heavy oak door swings wide open and the light shines through onto the mahogany floors lighting the path that is revealed.
Its snowing again. I like it but feel extremely stressed about the spring time. I have never grown flowers in a greenhouse before and it freaks me the fuck out to be honest with myself. Can I do it. Sure I can but it doesn’t stop the nerves from vibrating inside my mind and limbs constantly. I have had a lot of experience with plants and stuff but have never been given the responsibility of growing plants for 11 acres before. All the beauty of the yard in my hands. Shit that reminds me I have to find plants still. Ahh. I ll do it tomorrow or Monday, and get them shipped. Crap.
My coffee is fantastic this morning. I am loving it. My jammies are comfy but I fear it is time for me to get my ass out of my chair and start my day, being 12:31 and all. Ehh its Saturday right? I have the right to veg and be a bum for a while.
So Skylar Grey is pretty awesome. She is soothing to my mind, lets me calm my nerves and silence the voices for a little while. So many voices, and big elephants sitting on all my crap. I love writing, typing and feeling like I have given my words the proper place to rest for eternity. I should really work on one of the books I have started a year ago. I have about a paragraph on each of them and that’s it. We’ll see, writing something from start to finish is hard for me to imagine. It is a dedication of thought and time, and the stress of coming up with all the words to fill all the pages. It will come with the time is right.
Alright, times up for me. Until the next flow of words overwhelms my mind, and trips me as I try to focus on ordinary tasks.
Needless to say it has been months since I have written words to myself and for myself. They begin to clutter in my head like old cobwebs caught in the corners of the unreachable ceilings. Taunting me, getting fuller of dirt each day. Catching these webs and removing them is a task that is harder than just getting a broom and waving it around above your head like an idiot trying to hit an invisible force somewhere in the upper hemisphere. Believe it or not, it’s not the thinking that is that hardest part but the non thinking that makes the broom slippery and unable to grasp. In turn, leaving the webs intact and unscathed by the my efforts. If thoughts are being forced out then they are not pure and smooth as they should be. Kind of like pushing down on a play-dough form to hard and it all oozes out the edges like a Neanderthal using tools for the first time. Not pretty. Seeing that you are capable of putting words on a piece of parchment, or screen, satisfies a small part of my inner writer that wears unique clothing, walks around clicking a pen randomly, and staring out over a calm pond or up into an overgrown leafy tree for hours not writing a thing…just observing. This writer inside of me has no worry of time, when it starts or ends. It is a sense of self representing peaceful, ageless, freedom. With this self as a part of me…lets just say I feel normal. I cannot deny it as a part of me or who I am, yet embrace it and let it out. I don’t care who sees it…it is not for anyone else but me. I am not here to please you with the words that I write, they aren’t yours they aren’t even mine to possess…just release into the universe to float and be free. To exist with the beauty God created, forever changing, always unique, and never controlled.
~Write and Explore~
there comes a time when you need to just sit in silence and absorb
step out of your skin
let your body be where it lay
look at yourself and those around you
see them and you for what you are
we have half a clue of the vastness of the world outside your own minds
sinking into the soil
soaring into the billowing clouds
melting with the liquids of the sea
gliding on the winds
be still and feel that around you
be a vase filled by the constance changing world
“No matter how the wind blows, the mountain can not bow to it”
“Between the Lines”
I am offering my newely released book at a lower price!
This collection is full of my most personal and moving writings.
I have put my heart and mind into these pages and am
sharing them with you.
It is raw, it is unique, it is me on a page.
Read between the lines and see the real Ellen.
What is time?
Why do we wrap ourselves in such a small word
and let it control our daily lives?
What is the meaning?
How does one grasp life without it…
We say it every day….
…If I only had the time
…If I have the time
…There isn’t enough time for that
What once represented the harvest, seasons, and death
is now a constant strain and worry.
Trying to move faster, be more efficient, making each second count,
only to reach the end of your days with no time left.
What do we leave behind?
How have we used all that time?
Have we spent it wisely,
Or have we squandered it away on meaningless pleasures?
In a grave is where we end, surrounded by people
who realize that their own clock is ticking away to nothing….
written by: Ellen Fredrickson