So I have had a mental and motivational block this week. No…motivation…at…all. Yeah it sucks. I would like to go for a walk but it’s too damn cold outside. It hurts my lungs. I know when I go back to work that I will have my energy back and I could get it back by exercising here at home…but lets face it…I don’t do that. 🙂 I will once in a while get my yoga mat out and stretch my tendons etc. I guess the reason I let myself be lazy is because for the rest of the year I run my butt off outside working, hauling, digging and all that jazz. My chest did start to feel tight yesterday which means I have been shallow breathing lately too much and need to expand my lungs. Today might be the day I try working out or at least do something physical that will get my lungs going. I do have a lot of piggy presents to clean out of the back yard. Also, tmi, it doesn’t help my pms is kicking in early. That really blows. I have no patience, am extremely irritable, and am sick of my routine. When it gets to the point where it is hard to even write shit, you know you have fallen into a slump. ptthhbbb. I need more coffee. I will hopefully be turned around by the end of the morning with something better to report.
Okay I thought about it…PROUCTIVITY is what I am missing. Feeling like I am productive and accomplishing something. I do through this each winter, duh Ellen. So we will be productive by maybe making a cake using my Wilton cake set with pretty roses and all that fun stuff. 🙂 That would be fun.
Lets be creative today and remember what God gave in this mind and spirit!
So I made the big mistake on trying to get a little extra sleep this morning, my mind wouldn’t stop spinning. Sucked big time. With I would have just gotten up and got moving. This Friday already gave me the finger. Time to bitch slap it and move on. It will be as good as I make it. I need to look forward! Pull yourself together woman!
On a side note: I think these quiet days are getting to me. I am easily overwhelmed by scenarios that I am pretty sure are a fabrication of my imagination. I have lost some faith in people over the years, and convincing myself that I do not need to be subject to these thoughts and feelings, considering they are not true and are just made up notions that form due to my insecurities, I have never been the securest of people, and I hate that about me.
Another thing is the Stress and worry, Fuck ’em. I hate feeling stressed and I absolutely hate worrying. I wish my head would shut up and leave me alone sometimes. To just be silent…for a few moments…I know that God has taught me to not worry. I believe that is one of the hardest things I come across each day.
I got to get my ass moving, and put positive thoughts in my head, and have a good day. It will blow if I don’t.
This phrase “Be true to yourself“… I have said this before, and have meant it. Now the hard part is keeping with that and not letting the world decide for you what you are going to be, how you are going to act and what you will become. I have realized a lot about myself over the past years as I have gotten older, and my kids do as well. I have realized that I am the one that is in control of me being true to myself. Not anyone else…me. I have the sole responsibility to be who I am, and to be true to myself. If I blame someone else, no matter the excuse, as to why I am not on the path I need to be on or why I don’t feel like myself…Not the way to go, I have only myself to hold accountable for where I am at today. I understand there are shitty situations we all go through, whether it have been being exposed to abuse or a fucked up family life, that affect how we see ourselves and our confidence. Some never get over that and need a severe amount of therapy and time to heal. I am not denying that fact. I have issues with being manipulated and emotional abuse in my past. It has taken a very long time for me to feel that I can make a decision and be okay with it. That I can stand up for myself and not be afraid of the outcome. God has gotten me through it all, and all credit goes to Him. So when I say to myself…”You need to be true to yourself Ellen! You need to do what is best for you!” I say “Okay then do it! It’s in your hands. Only you can make that happen. Suck it up and stop talking about it! Just be you!”
I love each person around me that has inspired me over the years, given me strength and showed me what it is like to actually grow up and be an adult, and to handle adult situations the right way. I feel like for the first time I have a clarity of self. I know that I am capable of handling the tasks in front of me, and finding my voice. It isn’t the end of the world when a hard topic comes up to talk about, even though it may feel like it. However, it is just an opportunity to handle the situation properly and maturely. I am grateful for all of the situations that have been put in front of me. I have been blessed through all of them in one way or another. Whether it be good or bad situations in my relationship, with my Sister, or mother they all bring their own blessings…this I know and believe. Right now I have in my life people I care about, love and cherish. All the good all the bad, I am blessed, I thank God for each tear and each laugh. Each moment that makes me feel human, like this is the purpose of living, why we were put here. To learn, fall, succeed, experience, love, lose, triumph and sing praises to the Heavens. We are here to be human, and accept all our faults and all our strengths. To be what God made us. We are by no means perfect and never will be. We will all fall short of the Glory of God and should spend each day reaching for it with self-reflection. This is easier said and typed than done. It is a task that takes everything you are…is it worth it? For sure.
To make the most of each day, accept all possible realities, and do what is right for me and everyone else around me is me being true to myself. Knowing that there are many paths before me and I can only take one at a time…knowing that wherever it may lead is where I am supposed to go…knowing that I am not alone. I have two children I would give my life for, a sister and mother I adore above and beyond, a boyfriend I love, friends that care about me, and a God that never leaves me. What more could one girl ask for.
The hardest thing one can do is stand up for what they believe in and be true to themselves. No matter the cost, no matter the outcome. If it is a noble self, respectable self and an honorable self you are striving for, then it is worth it.
My book, which is really my personal journal I packed everywhere for 4 years, is linked on the side of my blog if words of both dark and light, sadness, happiness and inspiration is what you seek.
Today’s Goal: Listen to music all day, Workout, , shower, Crock pot dinner, clean, pay bills, and finish my work journal…sucks that drinking coffee and dinking around on my computer sounds like more fun. But nope, not today. Maybe I will make time to draw or something, or read.
When I started this blog I never thought I would actually get followers and people who appreciate or found interest in my words, my thoughts my messed up emotional rants and frequent freak outs about life and all the crap that goes on in my life. I have followers….crazy. I don’t really know how to take it.
I find myself thinking…holy shit people actually read my crap. It lets the door open that could possibly lead to me writing for a living and actually having the future I have envisioned in my head for a lifetime. Would it be possible to be successful at this? Or am I just entertaining an imaginary elusive day-dream that will always be a little out of my reach? Who knows, all I can do is keep doing what I do for myself until that heavy oak door swings wide open and the light shines through onto the mahogany floors lighting the path that is revealed.
Its snowing again. I like it but feel extremely stressed about the spring time. I have never grown flowers in a greenhouse before and it freaks me the fuck out to be honest with myself. Can I do it. Sure I can but it doesn’t stop the nerves from vibrating inside my mind and limbs constantly. I have had a lot of experience with plants and stuff but have never been given the responsibility of growing plants for 11 acres before. All the beauty of the yard in my hands. Shit that reminds me I have to find plants still. Ahh. I ll do it tomorrow or Monday, and get them shipped. Crap.
My coffee is fantastic this morning. I am loving it. My jammies are comfy but I fear it is time for me to get my ass out of my chair and start my day, being 12:31 and all. Ehh its Saturday right? I have the right to veg and be a bum for a while.
So Skylar Grey is pretty awesome. She is soothing to my mind, lets me calm my nerves and silence the voices for a little while. So many voices, and big elephants sitting on all my crap. I love writing, typing and feeling like I have given my words the proper place to rest for eternity. I should really work on one of the books I have started a year ago. I have about a paragraph on each of them and that’s it. We’ll see, writing something from start to finish is hard for me to imagine. It is a dedication of thought and time, and the stress of coming up with all the words to fill all the pages. It will come with the time is right.
Alright, times up for me. Until the next flow of words overwhelms my mind, and trips me as I try to focus on ordinary tasks.
Keeping with my word I will label my posts randomly if they have no purpose other than to simply exist. And this will be a short one. I feel it a necessity to write everyday. I write in my when I am trying to fall asleep and have so much I say to myself all day that it has to get out sometime, even if no one listens this isn’t what this is for. It if for me to have a place to spill the shit out of my brain that runs rapid all day or night messing up my important thoughts. I talk to myself out loud if I don’t write it down. The most small random thought can invade a silent moment and stay there like an unwanted gray hair…sticking above all the rest. Here I am! It says…Shut up! I say to it. Does it listen. Nope.
The sun is shining and it reminds me that spring is coming sooner than I thought. Yikes. My springs and summers are so busy I can barely sit still. Plants wait for no one to grow, be grown and be planted and maintained. But hey, they don’t talk back, they smell and look fantastic and are the silent beauties of the world. I am blessed.
~So I hate labeling my posts…it will now say whatever pops into my head~
~God is good. And He is not afraid to test me, try me and push me to my limits…because He knows I will prevail with Him on my side and as my focus. Remember that Ellen…and don’t forget it…ever.
For many years I have struggled with confidence in myself, feeling insecure, being comfortable in my own skin, being able to speak my feelings, second guessing every single one of my actions making sure they are not going to make anyone around me upset. I used to never be this way. Lots of shit went down over the course of the last 10 years to create all of these messed up problems in my head and emotions. Lets face it, I may look like I have my shit together but I have problems and personal issues I choose not to share with anyone.
I know people say there are good days and bad. I say there are not days but minutes or hours. The constant battle there is mentally is exhausting, these are issues that are all my own and because I have not just listened to the voice inside of me the first time it speaks. I see reality and am clouded by hope and dreams. My emotions fly off into every directions, each painting their own picture and shoving it in my face. I cannot follow my emotions. I have to follow the real facts, the truth that slaps me in the face, the cold hard reality that is there. No matter what the outcome is…God has put that reality in front of me to embrace…So what holds me back. Lack of Courage? Faith? Strength? or the simple fact that I know that God placed a Grown Up Reality before me but it is has not been revealed yet. Like I said before…a precipice…
I will do my best to hold onto those moments that I am given where I feel like I am ready for any future, any reality, any decision needing to be made. In these moments of clarity, as brief as they are, the space in my mind opens, there is a large flat field, blue skies above and low laying billowing clouds. Birds chirp, the sun shines and a cool breeze blows through my hair. That is what I will fix my mind on and center it in my chest, tracing the image over and over again until it is permanent. ~
I will attempt this with my pig on my lap…
There are so many things running through my head at the same time now it is hard to get the straight. Today is a big day, my daughter turns 10…double digits. Wow 🙂 I need to write and get this out so I can have a semi clear, as clear as it gets these days, head for her. She deserves to have her mom in one roughly formed ball of emotions.
I was thinking about my emotions, my heart and how much I love. I have so many emotions inside this oddly shaped frame of mine. Trying to understand them all is like trying to unwind a giant, knotted, tightly wound ball of yarn that is full of frayed edges and multi-colored threads. So help me God if it comes unraveled for the wrong, negative reasons…look out. It is like a shit storm of anger, I turn red behind the eyes and have a hard time holding the lid on my mouth. Which I have gotten very good at over the years. On the other, less scary hand, is the caring compassionate loving side of my emotions. There are so many layers that it would take a lot longer than the time I have at the moment to dissect.
The loving side of my emotions and heart is huge and not as complicated to get around. She is a total other being inside of me. And when she loves you, she loves you with all of her heart, that is until you break it. She will give you everything and anything you need to be happy. Her love does not end and needs very little to stay healthy and full. Simple gestures of affection, a few words of kindness, tell her you love her each day, hug her or hold her showing her that she is important to you and is your number one.
This inner entity is very a special and important part of women, each woman. And if is treated right you will reap great rewards of unconditional unfading love, support, respect and admiration. We admire a man who knows how to treat a woman. We respect a man who cares about our feelings and well being. We honor and devote ourselves to the man that shows us that we matter…all of our crazy parts. All we want is to feel comfortable in our own skin around you. And that does require work on both parts. The woman need to be confident in who she is and strong enough to not care what the world thinks of her. And the man needs to understand that we need daily reassurance that we are yours and yours alone. That is done by the simple acts above. The kind words, hugs, saying I love you. It shouldn’t be work to do this for your love. If you want to eventually lose her…don’t do those things. If you want to keep her, do them. We really are not that complicated of animals. We want to love you, and be loved by you.
This article is a good one. I suggest reading it. How to Lose the Woman you Love for Good.