so many thoughts…worst possible timing…

My first thought of the day was “Fuck you 3am”, and “How much coffee will it take to make it through the day?!!”  I wish I could have gotten back to sleep. I stared at the ceiling for a long time, laid there forcing my eyes closed listening to my pig dream about eating something, wrote a few things which I will attempt to get out into the universe this morning, thought about writing some more, thought about my future, thought about my present. Finally got up and was out of the shower by 5:03. Goody me.

I am reading the book called Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert, the same woman who wrote Eat Pray Love. I love her style of writing.

Now it occurred to me last night, or shall I say early this morning, that one of her phrases: “Sow Expectations, Reap Disappointments” is a very deep and real thing. This fact is so true and I would have to say that I agree with it completely. If I expect anything from anyone in this world, I am either let down, disappointed or my feelings get hurt. I have been fighting with this situation for a while now and after seeing those words on paper really struck a chord. Enough to make me go “Huh!” almost out loud while I lay in the pre dawn suspended state of awareness.

I also made up a questionnaire to post but will have to think on that one a bit before I post it, I want to be able to get the feedback that is needed without it being confusing to do so.  It is questions for men and women about each others wants and needs, I will be requesting Brutal honest from anyone who reads it. I like honesty, and look forward to seeing if anyone has the balls to spit out what they really feel. Not many like to do that. But here I have no fear and would like to see who else doesn’t as well. 🙂

I wrote a poem, well saw a poem, that I am going to try to write this morning as well. It was very powerful vision of a poem. We will see if I still have it in me to write like I used too. Possibly “Screaming Fire” is what it will be named. We will see.

Lets get this shit started.

 

click click…Ahhhhh

solitary

Oh man woke up with a bitching head ache, crabby beyond all reason, and somehow still able to find a mask to put on before I face my kids. It’s not their fault I don’t want to be part of society today. I had to turn on music so the clicking of game controllers stopped beating like symbols in my brain. I took 4 ibuprofen, and hope it will help.  I think it might be a Skylar Grey day, along with quiet knitting and reflection. Actually let myself have a Saturday, aside from watching my nephew play his first basketball game, very exciting, and lunch with my mom and sister. That will be nice, mostly because I don’t have to try to be happy or in a good mood. They accept me the way I am…moods and all. 🙂

Pancakes wait for no one and it would taste like shit in the powder form and not cooked. Off to the kitchen…its closer to my coffee pot anyways 😀

 

 

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Happiness is here 🙂

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I could stay there for weeks…

how many new beginnings…

How many times do I have to have the same epiphany about the same shit, it’s the little things that I stress about that I really don’t need to stress about. I blame having space in my brain that isn’t filled with flowers….I should fill it with flowers again. I need to fill it with flowers and stuff anyways. I have Spring crawling up the driveway like a worm on steroids getting ready to knock on my door and slap me in the face, or make me slip on it and fall on my ass… Lets hope for the last one. I really don’t need to fall on my ass when I have this big of a responsibility on my shoulders. But the best thing I can do is be prepared for it and get all the knowledge I can and keep it in there for future use. That would be the smart thing to do. There is no one to teach me but me. And that is a little difficult being your own teacher and driving yourself forward. But I guess if I ever want to have my own business and to run things myself then I need to have that self motivation and preservation in my blood and hardwired into my mind on a continual basis.

I have felt better today, mentally probably because I got up when the pigs wanted breakfast and stayed awake as opposed to laying in bed for another hour making myself even more tired. It helped to have that quiet time before the house was awake.

I need to remind myself somehow…and I will work on the method …as to how to keep myself reminded of what I am capable of doing. How strong I am mentally and what I can do. What I have overcome and what I can overcome. What God can do in my life, and where he can lead me.

Patience…I need patience.

There is some sort of messed up emotional rollercoaster floating through my teen boys head and its insane! 🙂 I m sure you other moms out there get what I m saying. Wow. Love that boy to pieces but man I think the teen years are going to be the hardest for us. I am hoping the girl is easier when it comes to the teen years. She already is, which means one easy…one more challenging child. Bring it on 🙂 I am ready….I will need more coffee though. 🙂

 

writers/motivation block

So I have had a mental and motivational block this week. No…motivation…at…all. Yeah it sucks. I would like to go for a walk but it’s too damn cold outside. It hurts my lungs. I know when I go back to work that I will have my energy back and I could get it back by exercising here at home…but lets face it…I don’t do that. 🙂 I will once in a while get my yoga mat out and stretch my tendons etc. I guess the reason I let myself be lazy is because for the rest of the year I run my butt off outside working, hauling, digging and all that jazz. My chest did start to feel tight yesterday which means I have been shallow breathing lately too much and need to expand my lungs. Today might be the day I try working out or at least do something physical that will get my lungs going. I do have a lot of piggy presents to clean out of the back yard. Also, tmi, it doesn’t help my pms is kicking in early. That really blows. I have no patience, am extremely irritable, and am sick of my routine. When it gets to the point where it is hard to even write shit, you know you have fallen into a slump. ptthhbbb. I need more coffee. I will hopefully be turned around by the end of the morning with something better to report.

Okay I thought about it…PROUCTIVITY is what I am missing. Feeling like I am productive and accomplishing something. I do through this each winter, duh Ellen. So we will be productive by maybe making a cake using my Wilton cake set with pretty roses and all that fun stuff. 🙂 That would be fun.

Lets be creative today and remember what God gave in this mind and spirit!

coffee

unexciting…slightly eventful

I don’t think there will be enough coffee for me to get through this day without losing it. We shall see how the fibers of space and time bid today.

I didn’t write at all yesterday, and I don’t think I wrote the day before. I actually did my plant research and wrote almost all of my notes for growing in the spring. I have some more to do but I will get it done. I don’t know why I have been so exhausted lately. It sucks. I know that exercise is a big part of it. When I actually do my work out during the day and mental stimulation I sleep pretty good, considering the other factors of the little Pigs not waking me up too early, etc.

I don’t have any riveting epiphanies to talk about, nor do I have any dark hatred lingering. Mostly it is exhaustion from the past few weeks fretting about stuff. It caught up to me, not sleeping for that time. I guess I can not complain much, my guy doesn’t sleep very well at all…ever. But I love my sleep and am shit without it. It does not mesh well with me. I just can’t catch up. I would like to stop chasing fluffy pillows and soft blankets for quiet and rest. There has to be another reason as to why I am not sleeping good, or am tired all day.

I wrote a poem yesterday in my head…then I lost it. Pissed me off. I need to force myself to try to write like that again, and keep my paper handy so those random thoughts don’t float out the window and fly down the street as I drive, or floating away on soap bubbles while washing dishes. Trust me I have watched so many writings float up into the ether it is lunatic.

I feel the need for a hike, even though its snowy and cold. It would be invigorating and cleansing to the mind and soul.

…..so I stopped writing yesterday and finished getting ready etc. and continued on with my day.

Now it is the next morning and I am having a  difficult time typing due to the fact I thought it would be Oh so Fun to try and slice the top of my pinky off while prepping dinner…Good times. I am fancy today with my Pinky Held High. Gotta love the throbbing pain and constant worry that I m going to smash it or smack it on something…..all I have to say is coffee coffee coffee and more coffee.

true to self…

This phrase “Be true to yourself“… I have said this before, and have meant it. Now the hard part is keeping with that and not letting the world decide for you what you are going to be, how you are going to act and what you will become. I have realized a lot about myself over the past years as I have gotten older, and my kids do as well. I have realized that I am the one that is in control of me being true to myself. Not anyone else…me. I have the sole responsibility to be who I am, and to be true to myself. If I blame someone else, no matter the excuse, as to why I am not on the path I need to be on or why I don’t feel like myself…Not the way to go, I have only myself to hold accountable for where I am at today. I understand there are shitty situations we all go through, whether it have been being exposed to abuse or a fucked up family life, that affect how we see ourselves and our confidence. Some never get over that and need a severe amount of therapy and time to heal. I am not denying that fact. I have issues with being manipulated and emotional abuse in my past. It has taken a very long time for me to feel that I can make a decision and be okay with it. That I can stand up for myself and not be afraid of the outcome. God has gotten me through it all, and all credit goes to Him. So when I say to myself…”You need to be true to yourself Ellen! You need to do what is best for you!” I say “Okay then do it! It’s in your hands. Only you can make that happen. Suck it up and stop talking about it! Just be you!”

I love each person around me that has inspired me over the years, given me strength and showed me what it is like to actually grow up and be an adult, and to handle adult situations the right way. I feel like for the first time I have a clarity of self. I know that I am capable of handling the tasks in front of me, and finding my voice. It isn’t the end of the world when a hard topic comes up to talk about, even though it may feel like it. However, it is just an opportunity to handle the situation properly and maturely. I am grateful for all of the situations that have been put in front of me. I have been blessed through all of them in one way or another. Whether it be good or bad situations in my relationship, with my Sister, or mother they all bring their own blessings…this I know and believe. Right now I have in my life people I care about, love and cherish. All the good all the bad, I am blessed, I thank God for each tear and each laugh. Each moment that makes me feel human, like this is the purpose of living, why we were put here. To learn, fall, succeed, experience, love, lose, triumph and sing praises to the Heavens. We are here to be human, and accept all our faults and all our strengths. To be what God made us. We are by no means perfect and never will be. We will all fall short of the Glory of God and should spend each day reaching for it with self-reflection. This is easier said and typed than done. It is a task that takes everything you are…is it worth it? For sure.

To make the most of each day, accept all possible realities, and do what is right for me and everyone else around me is me being true to myself. Knowing that there are many paths before me and I can only take one at a time…knowing that wherever it may lead is where I am supposed to go…knowing that I am not alone. I have two children I would give my life for, a sister and mother I adore above and beyond, a boyfriend I love, friends that care about me, and a God that never leaves me. What more could one girl ask for.

The hardest thing one can do is stand up for what they believe in and be true to themselves. No matter the cost, no matter the outcome. If it is a noble self, respectable self and an honorable self you are striving for, then it is worth it.

My book, which is really my personal journal I packed everywhere for 4 years, is linked on the side of my blog if words of both dark and light, sadness, happiness and inspiration is what you seek.

Today’s Goal: Listen to music all day, Workout, , shower, Crock pot dinner, clean, pay bills, and finish my work journal…sucks that drinking coffee and dinking around on my computer sounds like more fun. But nope, not today. Maybe I will make time to draw or something, or read.

Green tips…snow on the ground…

When I started this blog I never thought I would actually get followers and people who appreciate or found interest in my words, my thoughts my messed up emotional rants and frequent freak outs about life and all the crap that goes on in my life. I have followers….crazy. I don’t really know how to take it.

I find myself thinking…holy shit people actually read my crap. It lets the door open that could possibly lead to me writing for a living and actually having the future I have envisioned in my head for a lifetime. Would it be possible to be successful at this? Or am I just entertaining an imaginary elusive day-dream that will always be a little out of my reach? Who knows, all I can do is keep doing what I do for myself until that heavy oak door swings wide open and the light shines through onto the mahogany floors lighting the path that is revealed.

Its snowing again. I like it but feel extremely stressed about the spring time. I have never grown flowers in a greenhouse before and it freaks me the fuck out to be honest with myself. Can I do it. Sure I can but it doesn’t stop the nerves from vibrating inside my mind and limbs constantly. I have had a lot of experience with plants and stuff but have never been given the responsibility of growing plants for 11 acres before. All the beauty of the yard in my hands. Shit that reminds me I have to find plants still. Ahh. I ll do it tomorrow or Monday, and get them shipped. Crap.

My coffee is fantastic this morning. I am loving it. My jammies are comfy but I fear it is time for me to get my ass out of my chair and start my day, being 12:31 and all. Ehh its Saturday right? I have the right to veg and be a bum for a while.

So Skylar Grey is pretty awesome. She is soothing to my mind, lets me calm my nerves and silence the voices for a little while. So many voices, and big elephants sitting on all my crap. I love writing, typing and feeling like I have given my words the proper place to rest for eternity. I should really work on one of the books I have started a year ago. I have about a paragraph on each of them and that’s it. We’ll see, writing something from start to finish is hard for me to imagine. It is a dedication of thought and time, and the stress of coming up with all the words to fill all the pages. It will come with the time is right.

Alright, times up for me. Until the next flow of words overwhelms my mind, and trips me as I try to focus on ordinary tasks.

wet nails and sunshine

Keeping with my word I will label my posts randomly if they have no purpose other than to simply exist. And this will be a short one. I feel it a necessity to write everyday. I write in my when I am trying to fall asleep and have so much I say to myself all day that it has to get out sometime, even if no one listens this isn’t what this is for.  It if for me to have a place to spill the shit out of my brain that runs rapid all day or night messing up my important thoughts. I talk to myself out loud if I don’t write it down. The most small random thought can invade a silent moment and stay there like an unwanted gray hair…sticking above all the rest. Here I am! It says…Shut up! I say to it. Does it listen. Nope.

The sun is shining and it reminds me that spring is coming sooner than I thought. Yikes. My springs and summers are so busy I can barely sit still. Plants wait for no one to grow, be grown and be planted and maintained. But hey, they don’t talk back, they smell and look fantastic and are the silent beauties of the world. I am blessed.

~I love the sun~

~So I hate labeling my posts…it will now say whatever pops into my head~

~God is good. And He is not afraid to test me, try me and push me to my limits…because He knows I will prevail with Him on my side and as my focus. Remember that Ellen…and don’t forget it…ever.

For many years I have struggled with confidence in myself, feeling insecure, being comfortable in my own skin, being able to speak my feelings, second guessing every single one of my actions making sure they are not going to make anyone around me upset. I used to never be this way. Lots of shit went down over the course of the last 10 years to create all of these messed up problems in my head and emotions. Lets face it, I may look like I have my shit together but I have problems and personal issues I choose not to share with anyone.

I know people say there are good days and bad. I say there are not days but minutes or hours. The constant battle there is mentally is exhausting, these are issues that are all my own and because I have not just listened to the voice inside of me the first time it speaks. I see reality and am clouded by hope and dreams. My emotions fly off into every directions, each painting their own picture and shoving it in my face. I cannot follow my emotions. I have to follow the real facts, the truth that slaps me in the face, the cold hard reality that is there. No matter what the outcome is…God has put that reality in front of me to embrace…So what holds me back. Lack of Courage? Faith? Strength? or the simple fact that I know that God placed a Grown Up Reality before me but it is has not been revealed yet. Like I said before…a precipice…

I will do my best to hold onto those moments that I am given where I feel like I am ready for any future, any reality, any decision needing to be made. In these moments of clarity, as brief as they are, the space in my mind opens, there is a large flat field, blue skies above and low laying billowing clouds. Birds chirp, the sun shines and a cool breeze blows through my hair. That is what I will fix my mind on and center it in my chest, tracing the image over and over again until it is permanent. ~

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