p.s. I am never saying Duck You or giving you a Mother Ticket, or Mother Forklift.
Oh man woke up with a bitching head ache, crabby beyond all reason, and somehow still able to find a mask to put on before I face my kids. It’s not their fault I don’t want to be part of society today. I had to turn on music so the clicking of game controllers stopped beating like symbols in my brain. I took 4 ibuprofen, and hope it will help. I think it might be a Skylar Grey day, along with quiet knitting and reflection. Actually let myself have a Saturday, aside from watching my nephew play his first basketball game, very exciting, and lunch with my mom and sister. That will be nice, mostly because I don’t have to try to be happy or in a good mood. They accept me the way I am…moods and all. 🙂
Pancakes wait for no one and it would taste like shit in the powder form and not cooked. Off to the kitchen…its closer to my coffee pot anyways 😀
Happiness is here 🙂
I could stay there for weeks…
How many times do I have to have the same epiphany about the same shit, it’s the little things that I stress about that I really don’t need to stress about. I blame having space in my brain that isn’t filled with flowers….I should fill it with flowers again. I need to fill it with flowers and stuff anyways. I have Spring crawling up the driveway like a worm on steroids getting ready to knock on my door and slap me in the face, or make me slip on it and fall on my ass… Lets hope for the last one. I really don’t need to fall on my ass when I have this big of a responsibility on my shoulders. But the best thing I can do is be prepared for it and get all the knowledge I can and keep it in there for future use. That would be the smart thing to do. There is no one to teach me but me. And that is a little difficult being your own teacher and driving yourself forward. But I guess if I ever want to have my own business and to run things myself then I need to have that self motivation and preservation in my blood and hardwired into my mind on a continual basis.
I have felt better today, mentally probably because I got up when the pigs wanted breakfast and stayed awake as opposed to laying in bed for another hour making myself even more tired. It helped to have that quiet time before the house was awake.
I need to remind myself somehow…and I will work on the method …as to how to keep myself reminded of what I am capable of doing. How strong I am mentally and what I can do. What I have overcome and what I can overcome. What God can do in my life, and where he can lead me.
Patience…I need patience.
There is some sort of messed up emotional rollercoaster floating through my teen boys head and its insane! 🙂 I m sure you other moms out there get what I m saying. Wow. Love that boy to pieces but man I think the teen years are going to be the hardest for us. I am hoping the girl is easier when it comes to the teen years. She already is, which means one easy…one more challenging child. Bring it on 🙂 I am ready….I will need more coffee though. 🙂
When I started this blog I never thought I would actually get followers and people who appreciate or found interest in my words, my thoughts my messed up emotional rants and frequent freak outs about life and all the crap that goes on in my life. I have followers….crazy. I don’t really know how to take it.
I find myself thinking…holy shit people actually read my crap. It lets the door open that could possibly lead to me writing for a living and actually having the future I have envisioned in my head for a lifetime. Would it be possible to be successful at this? Or am I just entertaining an imaginary elusive day-dream that will always be a little out of my reach? Who knows, all I can do is keep doing what I do for myself until that heavy oak door swings wide open and the light shines through onto the mahogany floors lighting the path that is revealed.
Its snowing again. I like it but feel extremely stressed about the spring time. I have never grown flowers in a greenhouse before and it freaks me the fuck out to be honest with myself. Can I do it. Sure I can but it doesn’t stop the nerves from vibrating inside my mind and limbs constantly. I have had a lot of experience with plants and stuff but have never been given the responsibility of growing plants for 11 acres before. All the beauty of the yard in my hands. Shit that reminds me I have to find plants still. Ahh. I ll do it tomorrow or Monday, and get them shipped. Crap.
My coffee is fantastic this morning. I am loving it. My jammies are comfy but I fear it is time for me to get my ass out of my chair and start my day, being 12:31 and all. Ehh its Saturday right? I have the right to veg and be a bum for a while.
So Skylar Grey is pretty awesome. She is soothing to my mind, lets me calm my nerves and silence the voices for a little while. So many voices, and big elephants sitting on all my crap. I love writing, typing and feeling like I have given my words the proper place to rest for eternity. I should really work on one of the books I have started a year ago. I have about a paragraph on each of them and that’s it. We’ll see, writing something from start to finish is hard for me to imagine. It is a dedication of thought and time, and the stress of coming up with all the words to fill all the pages. It will come with the time is right.
Alright, times up for me. Until the next flow of words overwhelms my mind, and trips me as I try to focus on ordinary tasks.
Keeping with my word I will label my posts randomly if they have no purpose other than to simply exist. And this will be a short one. I feel it a necessity to write everyday. I write in my when I am trying to fall asleep and have so much I say to myself all day that it has to get out sometime, even if no one listens this isn’t what this is for. It if for me to have a place to spill the shit out of my brain that runs rapid all day or night messing up my important thoughts. I talk to myself out loud if I don’t write it down. The most small random thought can invade a silent moment and stay there like an unwanted gray hair…sticking above all the rest. Here I am! It says…Shut up! I say to it. Does it listen. Nope.
The sun is shining and it reminds me that spring is coming sooner than I thought. Yikes. My springs and summers are so busy I can barely sit still. Plants wait for no one to grow, be grown and be planted and maintained. But hey, they don’t talk back, they smell and look fantastic and are the silent beauties of the world. I am blessed.
I need another hand to eat my chips while I type and not get my keyboard all icky, and a hot plate for my coffee so it will stop getting cold.
I feel like I am standing at the edge of a fucked up precipice. (okay I had look that word up never wrote it before) Well maybe not a fucked up one but one that has so many turns and twists in it that my head is spinning like a giant top ready to fall into a pile of shit if not caught before falling off the table. I m fighting all the voices in my head and they distracted me so bad that I had to sit down write instead of studying my Greenhouse planting and growing. I at least got a shower, and dishes done, plus dinner in the crock pot and garbage emptied. I can hear everyone’s voices in my head today, negative and positive, my voice included. I am feeling the way some people see me more and more. But how do I see me? Is it my fault they see me the way they do or is it because of their own perception fogged or distorted what I am. Shitty to think that we let the way people see us affect us so deeply on becoming who we know we can become. But then again it is our own damn fault if we let another persons ideals of us cripple and prevent us from succeeding thriving and concurring all that is in our minds. Granted I have fucked my self over many times, quit college, didn’t pay attention in school, didn’t care enough to further my knowledge when I was young and my brain was a sponge. It is twice as hard to retain any kind of pertinent information without really racking my brain and studying.
I if I could draw what is in my head…I will try later… it would look like floating roads all intersecting at one spot, high above the ground, me standing in the intersection, wind blowing through my hair, clear skies all around me. The roads are not sturdy and will only be able to hold my weight when I decide which one is for me. There are $ signs floating around, kids faces (my own), my Job (Flowers), relationship, family, home, debt, future, job, career, retirement, all the shit I can think of is drifting past me. Maybe it’s not that I have to choose one thing to tackle at a time but make a logical plan of attack…like a time line. I bought a notebook to keep up on my books and make a goal to be debt free in a few months, aside from the new car I will have to buy. That kind screws me over, but my “Old Betsy” van will not last much longer. She is kicking the bucket slowly. I thank God she is still running each time I turn her on.
Ugh…not sure all that salt was good for me. My stomach has been shitty for a few days. I blame stress, would be better if it was being sick. But can’t be a child forever, and have to be a grown up at some point. I am almost 33 and feel like I am much older in spirit. My soul is youthful thanks to my Kids. My heart is aged due to my life and all the lessons I have learned. My mind fades in memory, but that is something I can work on with practice. My body feels ancient, I push myself too hard when I work, I have had a bitch of a cramp in my calf all day, even walking around didn’t help. Sucks. My hands hurt, my back is shot, and my feet are never happy with me. Have I pissed and moaned enough. I guess.
The sun is now shinning on my face though the office window. I feel a little more vented, having puked this all out onto the screen, and throwing it into the universe. There is a release of calm that comes with letting it all go out to the infinite beyond. I will let this be for now, and make my budget, 2 hours of calm before my chaos begins.
Bring it on. I can do it. I am ready, even if I m not… I will suck it up and face it with my head held high and my mind focused.
I refuse to not sing out loud and off-key all day. 🙂