Once upon a time

There are few words that sets the mind up for adventure like “Once upon a Time”. The feeling of endless opportunity, exciting adventures, and mystical places flood the mind. It makes me think that if I started my future story with “Once upon a Time”….how would I write the story. What would the ending be, who would I encounter, what battles would I fight and where would my adventure end. Would it be happily ever after, or would it be an endless journey of self betterment? Would the trail lead to far off places where the mountains touch the sky and the waters run clear as crystals? Would my companion be a righteous spirit animal, like a red dragon or white dire wolf?  The weapon of choice…bow and arrow…sword…sai’s??

I would like to write that story. However, I have a hard time allowing myself the time to do it. It is an internal struggle to allow that much down time and let myself get caught up in something that takes my mind away from what is around me. I think it would be a time where I am in the woods, or out of town to connect with that part of my mind that is free to expand, create and be free. There have been many words, stories and ideas floating around here that are in need of being released. But lo and behold, there they lay…undisturbed and waiting for freedom. The length of time it has been since I have created poetry, stories or free thought evades me…I do not know how long it has been. Too long my friend…too long.

Whats your “Once upon a time”???

snow and sunshine

I walked outside this morning, with a pig in my arms, the snow was cold and sun shined bright. It felt like spring was just around the corner, and I should be searching for the first bulbs to pop through the snow. It feels like it will be a year of growth, and a more adult feel to my life. It has been a good winter. I have felt more like myself this winter than in ones past. Usually I will get into a funk and feel insecure, lonely and not know what to do with myself.

At the beginning of this winter, I made a deal with myself. Do something that makes you happy. Like drawing, writing, cleaning a closet, watching a movie, do nothing, do something, learn something new. Do something Ellen that will make yourself feel happy each day. Also, be okay with not doing anything. Let yourself off the hook. This is your break of the year, you run your ass off the whole rest of the year. Take this time to let your mind and body rejuvenate. You don’t have to have a list you complete everyday. It is important to take time for you, the inner you, and outer you. Stay organized and yet be okay with the fact that you may have not put those clothes away.

Tapping into the skills I have that I ignore throughout the spring summer and fall. Like drawing and writing. I haven’t written in the longest time. I felt like there was a part of me I was neglecting. Same with drawing. I forget that I am pretty good at it. I will toot my own horn on that one. I love my art! What ends up on the paper. Seeing the visions I have become a reality on the piece of paper. Being in control of the outcome. Knowing I can make it happen. Then turning the page and starting anew.

I recommend you find yourself each day. When you feel that breeze blow across your face and you feel it flood your soul with freshness. There are moments like that when you see who you are on the inside. Knowing that you are strong and can concur the day, week, year ahead. Those moments are important to remember.

It is easy to lose yourself in the daily grind, slave to the dollar, societies judgements, rules and stipulations.

Hold onto the fierceness inside your soul.

Let the fire burn bright behind your eyes.

Feel the vibrations of the earth, steady and pure, flowing into your body.

Embrace yourself. Be true to yourself. Love yourself.

~Write and Explore~

Can you rough it?…yes I can

I just read a post about not being able to make it without computers, and how being at the end of a dirt road would not be possible for them….

I am the opposite. take my phone, take the internet and all the business of society! I m good.

I would love to have the simple life I grew up having. With only a few exceptions. I would have a killer root cellar and a toilet inside the house.

But I could totally live without the internet and all that goes along with it. We do not need it to survive, no matter what people think. I mean take your phone away and you will not collapse and die. Turn the internet off and you wont stop breathing. Is it nice. yea it is. but necessary to live…no.

We lived at the end of a dirt road with no one around us. We moved into the house when it only had 1/4 of the floor/roof finished, a ladder leading downstairs, and no walls completed. It was motivation to get it done before the snow flew. 🙂 We got it done by tearing down old buildings in town that no one wanted and using wood from our property that was made into boards by a neighbor at the bottom of the road.

The well was the best water I still love to drink to this day. So cold and clean. You feel like you are part of the earth then you drink it. The well was paid for by selling logs from the land.

I grew up very simply and without a lot of “Luxury” items. I had to take baths in metal tubs outside, with water heated up on wood stoves and poured into it, even in the winter. Let me tell you, it was like being in a personal hot springs. Snow falling around you as you sat in boiling water on the covered back porch, and watching the birds at the bird feeder. It was quiet and peaceful. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

We chopped wood to stay warm, harvesting the wood ourselves throughout the summer from the forest land that backs the property. We had a generator for quite a few years before we got power brought up the hill. During that time, if we wanted black and white T.V. for a few hours a night we had to start it up ourselves. I still remember how it sounded.

I as so blessed to have a childhood where hard work was a norm. I wish my kids could grow up like that. These days kids don’t know the meaning of hard work. I mean you get home, work on the house, or dig fence posts, chop wood, haul water, or fence in the horse pasture, all before starting your homework. We ate what was put in front of us without complaint, worked without grumbling, and never dreamed of talking back…unless you wanted your hair pulled or swatted with a spoon. I am grateful for my mother and her strength it took to raise me and my sister. It was tough for her. We did it on our own with no man, no money and at the beginning only a trailer that fit on the back of a truck to live in. God got us through it all.

The story is much longer than this. Our beginning on the property was not an ideal way to start. However, if it would have been easy…we wouldn’t have learned all we did or had all the adventures we did. They are my fondest childhood memories. Thank you mom for always being our rock, and for pushing us to be the women we are today. I love and adore you for all you have done for me. God has made your daughters into two strong individuals who can say they had a good life with more love than they could ever imagine. Thank you for never giving up when it was hard…or when you felt hopeless. I know you pushed on because there was no other choice. I take all those lessons to heart. There is always a direction to go. If you don’t move forward, you are only stuck in the misery around you.

I am not afraid of what the world can throw at me.

Thank you for showing me what it is to be a Woman.

~reflective and humbled~

 

 

a thought or two

It has been a while since I have poured any of my thoughts out onto paper. I thought it was about time to let some of it out. I guess it is a good thing that there has been no real issues to vent about but I need to remember that it doesn’t always have to be stress or negative when it comes to writing.

I have all these thoughts on how I should write and draw every day in the winter time since that is when I have the most time. but….it seems that all I want to do is nothing. 🙂 I guess that is because my body finally tells itself to relax. the down side to that is that my mind starts to go all mushy and blank. I need to remember to keep it stimulated and working so that my memory is sharp. I have enjoyed this winter break with the kids. it was great to spend time with them. we are so busy throughout the year that we barely see each other in the summer. I would say that is why I bask in the snow covered ground because it means family time and a time for my body to recuperate after a long summer of two jobs.

I am pretty excited about next year though. I have a few new clients, which means new yards to take care of. I also feel obligated to step up my game and learn more about the world of gardening and growing. I embrace the challenge and hope my pea brain can handle it. I have many books to start reading, because before you know it spring growing will be here and I will be drowning in plants and dirt once again.

A few things I am not sure I am ready for….I will have two teenagers next week…. holy cow. One of them will be driving soon too. it is starting to get pretty serious around here. I am not sure how I will handle him moving out. pretty sure I will freak a little…well maybe a lot. I have to make sure I have done all I can to get him ready to be responsible….dang that is a mountain to tackle all on its own.

My daughter and I were talking the other day, the one who is 13 next week, about how parenting does not come with a guide book. no matter how many “How To” or “Parenting” books you read, there are non that help you with the person that flew out of your body who is just like you and not like anyone else. There is no book attached and no sane advice that can help you mold that little human you just popped out. All you can do is try, fail, learn, succeed, fail again, cry, laugh, learn some more, and look inside yourself to see why the heck they are acting the way they are. And chances are is that they are acting that way because they are you. so when they throw a fit ask yourself would I have done that or have I done that when I was little. probably yes. most definitely yes. then figure out a way to help them through it the way no one ever helped you through it. because lets face it no one knows you better than you. and there fore no one knows your kid better than you. Next time they freak out…yell at you…hate you, cry, and laugh all in the matter of 10 minutes…think about how shitty it was to be a teenager who had no freaking clue why they felt that way. and if you don’t want them to turn to things you turned to get rid of that anger or frustration than I suggest you find a way to teach them how to deal with it. And telling them you understand and can relate to them because you were once like that…helps. Growing up sucks, raising them is fucking hard, doing it while staying sane…even harder. So have that glass of wine, and reflect on how to help your kids handle their shit before they hit the real world.

alright then time to wake the kid and get drivers-ed done, and be productive. it was good to write…better to vent and relieving to release thoughts.

~Happy writing~

What does a woman need?…my thoughts…not that complicated…

This morning I was hunting for some coffee pictures and came across a few ones about Women. Some made me happy, others depressed me. The ones that depressed me did so because I don’t think I really know what its like to be a “Real” Girl. Does that make sense? (So this is pertaining to relationships, just to be clear and say the other shit in my head.)

I don’t know what it’s like to be someone’s everything. To be the someone they can’t see their life existing without. To be that someone who is not just a convenience to have, but a necessity to their existence, and a desirable being to have beside them. To be the someone who is looked forward too, and thought of as and equal.

I am a woman. I am definitely full of all different kinds of emotions and desires. Mostly of how I would like to feel and be loved. I think there is a misjudgment about how much attention we really need as women. It seems like men think we need all this out pouring constant flow of attention. This is not true. However, what we do need, if you plan on keeping us around for a long time possibly forever, is a little bit of honest real attention each day. It can be the most simplest of acts that show us how you feel.

Eye contact before you kiss us, with an arm around us, possibly followed by a warm hug. We know when you are just doing it to get it over with. It makes us feel like we are a part of you for that one moment, special and cared for. You are our safety, comfort and part of us. When a kiss is true, all our troubles melt away. You do have that super power, pretty cool huh.

Saying “I Love You” and meaning it. Yes we also know when you just say it to say it. We love hearing these words. And yes we are insecure and want to hear them everyday. It is part of who we are. We need to be reassured that we are the ones in your mind, not anyone else. We will always feel threatened by other women out there, therefore, we like knowing that we are yours and you are ours.

Having a conversation with us, even though you may not know what we are talking about or if we get all excited and bubbly when we talk, or if we are just talking about our day. We like talking about our days. It makes us feel good to share how we felt, what we experienced and it makes us feel closer to you by sharing our day. We understand if you don’t want to talk about yours, but ask us how our day was with true interest and see how our eyes light up, it will ignite a spark inside of us making us feel loved by you.

Hold us, for no apparent reason, and with no additional intention and for longer than a quick squeeze. In doing this you will secure your bond with us in our hearts. In your arms we feel like the world doesn’t matter around us. We are absorbed into heart and find a peace so pure it can make us weep. Your arms are our home, where we can exhale and feel like everything is OK. This is another superpower that can bring forth many rewards to both the man and woman. You can feel like the protector, the impenetrable castle wall that keeps its treasures safe from harm, the enforcer of peace and security.  There are so many times a woman just wants to be held…and that’s all…there is so much comfort in that one act, you will be amazed at how it makes us feel. 

Through out an honest compliment, about anything about us. Even a small compliment goes a long way…like a long way. Even if you are just saying: you look pretty today. or. did you do something with your hair, I like it. or. you have a beautiful smile.   I mean any compliment, from the heart, means a great deal to our confidence in how you see us. Believe it or not we feel self conscious a lot around you no matter how long we have been together and would like to know that you see us still. By “see us” I mean you see the woman in front of you, you see her and only her. She is the one who catches your eye and keeps it. When you “see us” we know you care for us, we know you hold us higher in your hearts as someone who you love and desire.

Be honest with her. Don’t ever lie to herNo matter what. Neither person should ever lie to each other no matter how small it is. If she catches you in a lie it will form doubt where you did not want doubt. Remember all the emotions we have in our heads and hearts? Even the smallest lie can escalate into something way worse than it is. We will think the worst, even if it wasn’t that big of a lie. We will go to the extent of you cheating on us, even if you just fibbed about a small detail. Because in our eyes, why lie if it wasn’t to hide some other bigger secret. Show honesty and you will get it. Don’t show it and we are gone. We expect the same response from you.

When a woman loves a man, and feels that same love in return…unconditional and true…There is nothing she wont do for that man. She will put his needs above her own. She will admire, and respect him. She will devote her complete self to him. She will honor him, she will care for him. She will worry about him, she will share in his hardships as if they were her own. She will love him like he has never been loved before. She will make him her world…if she is treated the same in return.

“If you make her your world

 She will give you hers in return,

and will remain yours for eternity”

I know there are many things I could add to this but these are the first ones that stand out in my head. Feel free to post comments on others you feel are important to you. I would love the input.

an adult

I had lunch with my mom yesterday. We have done this only one time before. She said something to me that stuck in my mind and touched my heart.  She said:

“No matter what you choose in your life, I will support you and stand beside you.” 

Knowing that my mother, whose opinion matters deeply, loves and supports me no matter what. She said along with that later that night, when I called and thanked her, said:

“Your kids will do whatever they feel is right no matter what when they are older 

so I need to stand by them.” 

I have gotten closer to my mother over the past few years. Especially this last year. It finally feels like we are equal adults, and able to talk without me feeling like a child anymore. It is a blessing to feel the support of my decisions, even though I would decide what I thought was right without approval. We all have to follow our hearts and guts and pray for the guidance along our own personal journeys.

Being confident in yourself, and your God leading your path, knowing that you are doing what is best for you, your family, your loved ones, is what matters.

Taking each day at a time. Not worrying. Loving completely. Laugh. Pray. Encourage. Forgive. Motivate yourself. Take time for You. Dance. Live. Be silent. Be loud. Be You. Give Kindness. Help others when you see a need. Be Chivalrous. Sing too loud. Be happy you have air in your lungs and a day to live to its fullest.

“See others for what and who they Are

Not for what You want them to be”

faithpic

Screaming Fire

atop the cliff she stands

her pale skin lightly draped with white satin cloth

bare feet connecting her with the earth below

her face kisses the sky, as her hair flows down her back

caressed by the wind, bathed in the moonlight

vibrating light emanates from every fiber of her being

arms down to along her side, fingers outstretched

deep within her soul she draws forth the fire

her lips part alas, releasing the scream within

grievous flames of fury expand into the night

bright orange flames fueled by eternal pain submerged in darkness

collections of tears, untouched emotions, taunting voices, crushing loss

hopes, fears, dreams…consumed by the dancing rage of freedom

her eyes fill with burning liquid, scorching her face as they slide off her cheeks

hands tightly clench, drawing strength from the cold stone under foot

she is a force to be feared

yet her screams fall on deaf ears…

for eternity will she fill the sky with her flames

consuming every darkness

standing…screaming…waiting…

 

 

 

 

so many thoughts…worst possible timing…

My first thought of the day was “Fuck you 3am”, and “How much coffee will it take to make it through the day?!!”  I wish I could have gotten back to sleep. I stared at the ceiling for a long time, laid there forcing my eyes closed listening to my pig dream about eating something, wrote a few things which I will attempt to get out into the universe this morning, thought about writing some more, thought about my future, thought about my present. Finally got up and was out of the shower by 5:03. Goody me.

I am reading the book called Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert, the same woman who wrote Eat Pray Love. I love her style of writing.

Now it occurred to me last night, or shall I say early this morning, that one of her phrases: “Sow Expectations, Reap Disappointments” is a very deep and real thing. This fact is so true and I would have to say that I agree with it completely. If I expect anything from anyone in this world, I am either let down, disappointed or my feelings get hurt. I have been fighting with this situation for a while now and after seeing those words on paper really struck a chord. Enough to make me go “Huh!” almost out loud while I lay in the pre dawn suspended state of awareness.

I also made up a questionnaire to post but will have to think on that one a bit before I post it, I want to be able to get the feedback that is needed without it being confusing to do so.  It is questions for men and women about each others wants and needs, I will be requesting Brutal honest from anyone who reads it. I like honesty, and look forward to seeing if anyone has the balls to spit out what they really feel. Not many like to do that. But here I have no fear and would like to see who else doesn’t as well. 🙂

I wrote a poem, well saw a poem, that I am going to try to write this morning as well. It was very powerful vision of a poem. We will see if I still have it in me to write like I used too. Possibly “Screaming Fire” is what it will be named. We will see.

Lets get this shit started.

 

true to self…

This phrase “Be true to yourself“… I have said this before, and have meant it. Now the hard part is keeping with that and not letting the world decide for you what you are going to be, how you are going to act and what you will become. I have realized a lot about myself over the past years as I have gotten older, and my kids do as well. I have realized that I am the one that is in control of me being true to myself. Not anyone else…me. I have the sole responsibility to be who I am, and to be true to myself. If I blame someone else, no matter the excuse, as to why I am not on the path I need to be on or why I don’t feel like myself…Not the way to go, I have only myself to hold accountable for where I am at today. I understand there are shitty situations we all go through, whether it have been being exposed to abuse or a fucked up family life, that affect how we see ourselves and our confidence. Some never get over that and need a severe amount of therapy and time to heal. I am not denying that fact. I have issues with being manipulated and emotional abuse in my past. It has taken a very long time for me to feel that I can make a decision and be okay with it. That I can stand up for myself and not be afraid of the outcome. God has gotten me through it all, and all credit goes to Him. So when I say to myself…”You need to be true to yourself Ellen! You need to do what is best for you!” I say “Okay then do it! It’s in your hands. Only you can make that happen. Suck it up and stop talking about it! Just be you!”

I love each person around me that has inspired me over the years, given me strength and showed me what it is like to actually grow up and be an adult, and to handle adult situations the right way. I feel like for the first time I have a clarity of self. I know that I am capable of handling the tasks in front of me, and finding my voice. It isn’t the end of the world when a hard topic comes up to talk about, even though it may feel like it. However, it is just an opportunity to handle the situation properly and maturely. I am grateful for all of the situations that have been put in front of me. I have been blessed through all of them in one way or another. Whether it be good or bad situations in my relationship, with my Sister, or mother they all bring their own blessings…this I know and believe. Right now I have in my life people I care about, love and cherish. All the good all the bad, I am blessed, I thank God for each tear and each laugh. Each moment that makes me feel human, like this is the purpose of living, why we were put here. To learn, fall, succeed, experience, love, lose, triumph and sing praises to the Heavens. We are here to be human, and accept all our faults and all our strengths. To be what God made us. We are by no means perfect and never will be. We will all fall short of the Glory of God and should spend each day reaching for it with self-reflection. This is easier said and typed than done. It is a task that takes everything you are…is it worth it? For sure.

To make the most of each day, accept all possible realities, and do what is right for me and everyone else around me is me being true to myself. Knowing that there are many paths before me and I can only take one at a time…knowing that wherever it may lead is where I am supposed to go…knowing that I am not alone. I have two children I would give my life for, a sister and mother I adore above and beyond, a boyfriend I love, friends that care about me, and a God that never leaves me. What more could one girl ask for.

The hardest thing one can do is stand up for what they believe in and be true to themselves. No matter the cost, no matter the outcome. If it is a noble self, respectable self and an honorable self you are striving for, then it is worth it.

My book, which is really my personal journal I packed everywhere for 4 years, is linked on the side of my blog if words of both dark and light, sadness, happiness and inspiration is what you seek.

Today’s Goal: Listen to music all day, Workout, , shower, Crock pot dinner, clean, pay bills, and finish my work journal…sucks that drinking coffee and dinking around on my computer sounds like more fun. But nope, not today. Maybe I will make time to draw or something, or read.

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