snow and sunshine

I walked outside this morning, with a pig in my arms, the snow was cold and sun shined bright. It felt like spring was just around the corner, and I should be searching for the first bulbs to pop through the snow. It feels like it will be a year of growth, and a more adult feel to my life. It has been a good winter. I have felt more like myself this winter than in ones past. Usually I will get into a funk and feel insecure, lonely and not know what to do with myself.

At the beginning of this winter, I made a deal with myself. Do something that makes you happy. Like drawing, writing, cleaning a closet, watching a movie, do nothing, do something, learn something new. Do something Ellen that will make yourself feel happy each day. Also, be okay with not doing anything. Let yourself off the hook. This is your break of the year, you run your ass off the whole rest of the year. Take this time to let your mind and body rejuvenate. You don’t have to have a list you complete everyday. It is important to take time for you, the inner you, and outer you. Stay organized and yet be okay with the fact that you may have not put those clothes away.

Tapping into the skills I have that I ignore throughout the spring summer and fall. Like drawing and writing. I haven’t written in the longest time. I felt like there was a part of me I was neglecting. Same with drawing. I forget that I am pretty good at it. I will toot my own horn on that one. I love my art! What ends up on the paper. Seeing the visions I have become a reality on the piece of paper. Being in control of the outcome. Knowing I can make it happen. Then turning the page and starting anew.

I recommend you find yourself each day. When you feel that breeze blow across your face and you feel it flood your soul with freshness. There are moments like that when you see who you are on the inside. Knowing that you are strong and can concur the day, week, year ahead. Those moments are important to remember.

It is easy to lose yourself in the daily grind, slave to the dollar, societies judgements, rules and stipulations.

Hold onto the fierceness inside your soul.

Let the fire burn bright behind your eyes.

Feel the vibrations of the earth, steady and pure, flowing into your body.

Embrace yourself. Be true to yourself. Love yourself.

~Write and Explore~

a thought or two

It has been a while since I have poured any of my thoughts out onto paper. I thought it was about time to let some of it out. I guess it is a good thing that there has been no real issues to vent about but I need to remember that it doesn’t always have to be stress or negative when it comes to writing.

I have all these thoughts on how I should write and draw every day in the winter time since that is when I have the most time. but….it seems that all I want to do is nothing. 🙂 I guess that is because my body finally tells itself to relax. the down side to that is that my mind starts to go all mushy and blank. I need to remember to keep it stimulated and working so that my memory is sharp. I have enjoyed this winter break with the kids. it was great to spend time with them. we are so busy throughout the year that we barely see each other in the summer. I would say that is why I bask in the snow covered ground because it means family time and a time for my body to recuperate after a long summer of two jobs.

I am pretty excited about next year though. I have a few new clients, which means new yards to take care of. I also feel obligated to step up my game and learn more about the world of gardening and growing. I embrace the challenge and hope my pea brain can handle it. I have many books to start reading, because before you know it spring growing will be here and I will be drowning in plants and dirt once again.

A few things I am not sure I am ready for….I will have two teenagers next week…. holy cow. One of them will be driving soon too. it is starting to get pretty serious around here. I am not sure how I will handle him moving out. pretty sure I will freak a little…well maybe a lot. I have to make sure I have done all I can to get him ready to be responsible….dang that is a mountain to tackle all on its own.

My daughter and I were talking the other day, the one who is 13 next week, about how parenting does not come with a guide book. no matter how many “How To” or “Parenting” books you read, there are non that help you with the person that flew out of your body who is just like you and not like anyone else. There is no book attached and no sane advice that can help you mold that little human you just popped out. All you can do is try, fail, learn, succeed, fail again, cry, laugh, learn some more, and look inside yourself to see why the heck they are acting the way they are. And chances are is that they are acting that way because they are you. so when they throw a fit ask yourself would I have done that or have I done that when I was little. probably yes. most definitely yes. then figure out a way to help them through it the way no one ever helped you through it. because lets face it no one knows you better than you. and there fore no one knows your kid better than you. Next time they freak out…yell at you…hate you, cry, and laugh all in the matter of 10 minutes…think about how shitty it was to be a teenager who had no freaking clue why they felt that way. and if you don’t want them to turn to things you turned to get rid of that anger or frustration than I suggest you find a way to teach them how to deal with it. And telling them you understand and can relate to them because you were once like that…helps. Growing up sucks, raising them is fucking hard, doing it while staying sane…even harder. So have that glass of wine, and reflect on how to help your kids handle their shit before they hit the real world.

alright then time to wake the kid and get drivers-ed done, and be productive. it was good to write…better to vent and relieving to release thoughts.

~Happy writing~

What does a woman need?…my thoughts…not that complicated…

This morning I was hunting for some coffee pictures and came across a few ones about Women. Some made me happy, others depressed me. The ones that depressed me did so because I don’t think I really know what its like to be a “Real” Girl. Does that make sense? (So this is pertaining to relationships, just to be clear and say the other shit in my head.)

I don’t know what it’s like to be someone’s everything. To be the someone they can’t see their life existing without. To be that someone who is not just a convenience to have, but a necessity to their existence, and a desirable being to have beside them. To be the someone who is looked forward too, and thought of as and equal.

I am a woman. I am definitely full of all different kinds of emotions and desires. Mostly of how I would like to feel and be loved. I think there is a misjudgment about how much attention we really need as women. It seems like men think we need all this out pouring constant flow of attention. This is not true. However, what we do need, if you plan on keeping us around for a long time possibly forever, is a little bit of honest real attention each day. It can be the most simplest of acts that show us how you feel.

Eye contact before you kiss us, with an arm around us, possibly followed by a warm hug. We know when you are just doing it to get it over with. It makes us feel like we are a part of you for that one moment, special and cared for. You are our safety, comfort and part of us. When a kiss is true, all our troubles melt away. You do have that super power, pretty cool huh.

Saying “I Love You” and meaning it. Yes we also know when you just say it to say it. We love hearing these words. And yes we are insecure and want to hear them everyday. It is part of who we are. We need to be reassured that we are the ones in your mind, not anyone else. We will always feel threatened by other women out there, therefore, we like knowing that we are yours and you are ours.

Having a conversation with us, even though you may not know what we are talking about or if we get all excited and bubbly when we talk, or if we are just talking about our day. We like talking about our days. It makes us feel good to share how we felt, what we experienced and it makes us feel closer to you by sharing our day. We understand if you don’t want to talk about yours, but ask us how our day was with true interest and see how our eyes light up, it will ignite a spark inside of us making us feel loved by you.

Hold us, for no apparent reason, and with no additional intention and for longer than a quick squeeze. In doing this you will secure your bond with us in our hearts. In your arms we feel like the world doesn’t matter around us. We are absorbed into heart and find a peace so pure it can make us weep. Your arms are our home, where we can exhale and feel like everything is OK. This is another superpower that can bring forth many rewards to both the man and woman. You can feel like the protector, the impenetrable castle wall that keeps its treasures safe from harm, the enforcer of peace and security.  There are so many times a woman just wants to be held…and that’s all…there is so much comfort in that one act, you will be amazed at how it makes us feel. 

Through out an honest compliment, about anything about us. Even a small compliment goes a long way…like a long way. Even if you are just saying: you look pretty today. or. did you do something with your hair, I like it. or. you have a beautiful smile.   I mean any compliment, from the heart, means a great deal to our confidence in how you see us. Believe it or not we feel self conscious a lot around you no matter how long we have been together and would like to know that you see us still. By “see us” I mean you see the woman in front of you, you see her and only her. She is the one who catches your eye and keeps it. When you “see us” we know you care for us, we know you hold us higher in your hearts as someone who you love and desire.

Be honest with her. Don’t ever lie to herNo matter what. Neither person should ever lie to each other no matter how small it is. If she catches you in a lie it will form doubt where you did not want doubt. Remember all the emotions we have in our heads and hearts? Even the smallest lie can escalate into something way worse than it is. We will think the worst, even if it wasn’t that big of a lie. We will go to the extent of you cheating on us, even if you just fibbed about a small detail. Because in our eyes, why lie if it wasn’t to hide some other bigger secret. Show honesty and you will get it. Don’t show it and we are gone. We expect the same response from you.

When a woman loves a man, and feels that same love in return…unconditional and true…There is nothing she wont do for that man. She will put his needs above her own. She will admire, and respect him. She will devote her complete self to him. She will honor him, she will care for him. She will worry about him, she will share in his hardships as if they were her own. She will love him like he has never been loved before. She will make him her world…if she is treated the same in return.

“If you make her your world

 She will give you hers in return,

and will remain yours for eternity”

I know there are many things I could add to this but these are the first ones that stand out in my head. Feel free to post comments on others you feel are important to you. I would love the input.

an adult

I had lunch with my mom yesterday. We have done this only one time before. She said something to me that stuck in my mind and touched my heart.  She said:

“No matter what you choose in your life, I will support you and stand beside you.” 

Knowing that my mother, whose opinion matters deeply, loves and supports me no matter what. She said along with that later that night, when I called and thanked her, said:

“Your kids will do whatever they feel is right no matter what when they are older 

so I need to stand by them.” 

I have gotten closer to my mother over the past few years. Especially this last year. It finally feels like we are equal adults, and able to talk without me feeling like a child anymore. It is a blessing to feel the support of my decisions, even though I would decide what I thought was right without approval. We all have to follow our hearts and guts and pray for the guidance along our own personal journeys.

Being confident in yourself, and your God leading your path, knowing that you are doing what is best for you, your family, your loved ones, is what matters.

Taking each day at a time. Not worrying. Loving completely. Laugh. Pray. Encourage. Forgive. Motivate yourself. Take time for You. Dance. Live. Be silent. Be loud. Be You. Give Kindness. Help others when you see a need. Be Chivalrous. Sing too loud. Be happy you have air in your lungs and a day to live to its fullest.

“See others for what and who they Are

Not for what You want them to be”


how many new beginnings…

How many times do I have to have the same epiphany about the same shit, it’s the little things that I stress about that I really don’t need to stress about. I blame having space in my brain that isn’t filled with flowers….I should fill it with flowers again. I need to fill it with flowers and stuff anyways. I have Spring crawling up the driveway like a worm on steroids getting ready to knock on my door and slap me in the face, or make me slip on it and fall on my ass… Lets hope for the last one. I really don’t need to fall on my ass when I have this big of a responsibility on my shoulders. But the best thing I can do is be prepared for it and get all the knowledge I can and keep it in there for future use. That would be the smart thing to do. There is no one to teach me but me. And that is a little difficult being your own teacher and driving yourself forward. But I guess if I ever want to have my own business and to run things myself then I need to have that self motivation and preservation in my blood and hardwired into my mind on a continual basis.

I have felt better today, mentally probably because I got up when the pigs wanted breakfast and stayed awake as opposed to laying in bed for another hour making myself even more tired. It helped to have that quiet time before the house was awake.

I need to remind myself somehow…and I will work on the method …as to how to keep myself reminded of what I am capable of doing. How strong I am mentally and what I can do. What I have overcome and what I can overcome. What God can do in my life, and where he can lead me.

Patience…I need patience.

There is some sort of messed up emotional rollercoaster floating through my teen boys head and its insane! 🙂 I m sure you other moms out there get what I m saying. Wow. Love that boy to pieces but man I think the teen years are going to be the hardest for us. I am hoping the girl is easier when it comes to the teen years. She already is, which means one easy…one more challenging child. Bring it on 🙂 I am ready….I will need more coffee though. 🙂


true to self…

This phrase “Be true to yourself“… I have said this before, and have meant it. Now the hard part is keeping with that and not letting the world decide for you what you are going to be, how you are going to act and what you will become. I have realized a lot about myself over the past years as I have gotten older, and my kids do as well. I have realized that I am the one that is in control of me being true to myself. Not anyone else…me. I have the sole responsibility to be who I am, and to be true to myself. If I blame someone else, no matter the excuse, as to why I am not on the path I need to be on or why I don’t feel like myself…Not the way to go, I have only myself to hold accountable for where I am at today. I understand there are shitty situations we all go through, whether it have been being exposed to abuse or a fucked up family life, that affect how we see ourselves and our confidence. Some never get over that and need a severe amount of therapy and time to heal. I am not denying that fact. I have issues with being manipulated and emotional abuse in my past. It has taken a very long time for me to feel that I can make a decision and be okay with it. That I can stand up for myself and not be afraid of the outcome. God has gotten me through it all, and all credit goes to Him. So when I say to myself…”You need to be true to yourself Ellen! You need to do what is best for you!” I say “Okay then do it! It’s in your hands. Only you can make that happen. Suck it up and stop talking about it! Just be you!”

I love each person around me that has inspired me over the years, given me strength and showed me what it is like to actually grow up and be an adult, and to handle adult situations the right way. I feel like for the first time I have a clarity of self. I know that I am capable of handling the tasks in front of me, and finding my voice. It isn’t the end of the world when a hard topic comes up to talk about, even though it may feel like it. However, it is just an opportunity to handle the situation properly and maturely. I am grateful for all of the situations that have been put in front of me. I have been blessed through all of them in one way or another. Whether it be good or bad situations in my relationship, with my Sister, or mother they all bring their own blessings…this I know and believe. Right now I have in my life people I care about, love and cherish. All the good all the bad, I am blessed, I thank God for each tear and each laugh. Each moment that makes me feel human, like this is the purpose of living, why we were put here. To learn, fall, succeed, experience, love, lose, triumph and sing praises to the Heavens. We are here to be human, and accept all our faults and all our strengths. To be what God made us. We are by no means perfect and never will be. We will all fall short of the Glory of God and should spend each day reaching for it with self-reflection. This is easier said and typed than done. It is a task that takes everything you are…is it worth it? For sure.

To make the most of each day, accept all possible realities, and do what is right for me and everyone else around me is me being true to myself. Knowing that there are many paths before me and I can only take one at a time…knowing that wherever it may lead is where I am supposed to go…knowing that I am not alone. I have two children I would give my life for, a sister and mother I adore above and beyond, a boyfriend I love, friends that care about me, and a God that never leaves me. What more could one girl ask for.

The hardest thing one can do is stand up for what they believe in and be true to themselves. No matter the cost, no matter the outcome. If it is a noble self, respectable self and an honorable self you are striving for, then it is worth it.

My book, which is really my personal journal I packed everywhere for 4 years, is linked on the side of my blog if words of both dark and light, sadness, happiness and inspiration is what you seek.

Today’s Goal: Listen to music all day, Workout, , shower, Crock pot dinner, clean, pay bills, and finish my work journal…sucks that drinking coffee and dinking around on my computer sounds like more fun. But nope, not today. Maybe I will make time to draw or something, or read.

Green tips…snow on the ground…

When I started this blog I never thought I would actually get followers and people who appreciate or found interest in my words, my thoughts my messed up emotional rants and frequent freak outs about life and all the crap that goes on in my life. I have followers….crazy. I don’t really know how to take it.

I find myself thinking…holy shit people actually read my crap. It lets the door open that could possibly lead to me writing for a living and actually having the future I have envisioned in my head for a lifetime. Would it be possible to be successful at this? Or am I just entertaining an imaginary elusive day-dream that will always be a little out of my reach? Who knows, all I can do is keep doing what I do for myself until that heavy oak door swings wide open and the light shines through onto the mahogany floors lighting the path that is revealed.

Its snowing again. I like it but feel extremely stressed about the spring time. I have never grown flowers in a greenhouse before and it freaks me the fuck out to be honest with myself. Can I do it. Sure I can but it doesn’t stop the nerves from vibrating inside my mind and limbs constantly. I have had a lot of experience with plants and stuff but have never been given the responsibility of growing plants for 11 acres before. All the beauty of the yard in my hands. Shit that reminds me I have to find plants still. Ahh. I ll do it tomorrow or Monday, and get them shipped. Crap.

My coffee is fantastic this morning. I am loving it. My jammies are comfy but I fear it is time for me to get my ass out of my chair and start my day, being 12:31 and all. Ehh its Saturday right? I have the right to veg and be a bum for a while.

So Skylar Grey is pretty awesome. She is soothing to my mind, lets me calm my nerves and silence the voices for a little while. So many voices, and big elephants sitting on all my crap. I love writing, typing and feeling like I have given my words the proper place to rest for eternity. I should really work on one of the books I have started a year ago. I have about a paragraph on each of them and that’s it. We’ll see, writing something from start to finish is hard for me to imagine. It is a dedication of thought and time, and the stress of coming up with all the words to fill all the pages. It will come with the time is right.

Alright, times up for me. Until the next flow of words overwhelms my mind, and trips me as I try to focus on ordinary tasks.

~I love the sun~

~So I hate labeling my posts…it will now say whatever pops into my head~

~God is good. And He is not afraid to test me, try me and push me to my limits…because He knows I will prevail with Him on my side and as my focus. Remember that Ellen…and don’t forget it…ever.

For many years I have struggled with confidence in myself, feeling insecure, being comfortable in my own skin, being able to speak my feelings, second guessing every single one of my actions making sure they are not going to make anyone around me upset. I used to never be this way. Lots of shit went down over the course of the last 10 years to create all of these messed up problems in my head and emotions. Lets face it, I may look like I have my shit together but I have problems and personal issues I choose not to share with anyone.

I know people say there are good days and bad. I say there are not days but minutes or hours. The constant battle there is mentally is exhausting, these are issues that are all my own and because I have not just listened to the voice inside of me the first time it speaks. I see reality and am clouded by hope and dreams. My emotions fly off into every directions, each painting their own picture and shoving it in my face. I cannot follow my emotions. I have to follow the real facts, the truth that slaps me in the face, the cold hard reality that is there. No matter what the outcome is…God has put that reality in front of me to embrace…So what holds me back. Lack of Courage? Faith? Strength? or the simple fact that I know that God placed a Grown Up Reality before me but it is has not been revealed yet. Like I said before…a precipice…

I will do my best to hold onto those moments that I am given where I feel like I am ready for any future, any reality, any decision needing to be made. In these moments of clarity, as brief as they are, the space in my mind opens, there is a large flat field, blue skies above and low laying billowing clouds. Birds chirp, the sun shines and a cool breeze blows through my hair. That is what I will fix my mind on and center it in my chest, tracing the image over and over again until it is permanent. ~

…I looked into my heart and emotions…


I will attempt this with my pig on my lap…

There are so many things running through my head at the same time now it is hard to get the straight. Today is a big day, my daughter turns 10…double digits. Wow 🙂 I need to write and get this out so I can have a semi clear, as clear as it gets these days, head for her. She deserves to have her mom in one roughly formed ball of emotions.

I was thinking about my emotions, my heart and how much I love. I have so many emotions inside this oddly shaped frame of mine. Trying to understand them all is like trying to unwind a giant, knotted, tightly wound ball of yarn that is full of frayed edges and multi-colored threads. So help me God if it comes unraveled for the wrong, negative reasons…look out. It is like a shit storm of anger, I turn red behind the eyes and have a hard time holding the lid on my mouth. Which I have gotten very good at over the years. On the other, less scary hand, is the caring compassionate loving side of my emotions. There are so many layers that it would take a lot longer than the time I have at the moment to dissect.

The loving side of my emotions and heart is huge and not as complicated to get around. She is a total other being inside of me. And when she loves you, she loves you with all of her heart, that is until you break it. She will give you everything and anything you need to be happy. Her love does not end and needs very little to stay healthy and full. Simple gestures of affection, a few words of kindness, tell her you love her each day, hug her or hold her showing her that she is important to you and is your number one.

This inner entity is very a special and important part of women, each woman. And if is treated right you will reap great rewards of unconditional unfading love, support, respect and admiration. We admire a man who knows how to treat a woman. We respect a man who cares about our feelings and well being. We honor and devote ourselves to the man that shows us that we matter…all of our crazy parts. All we want is to feel comfortable in our own skin around you. And that does require work on both parts. The woman need to be confident in who she is and strong enough to not care what the world thinks of her. And the man needs to understand that we need daily reassurance that we are yours and yours alone. That is done by the simple acts above. The kind words, hugs, saying I love you. It shouldn’t be work to do this for your love. If you want to eventually lose her…don’t do those things. If you want to keep her, do them. We really are not that complicated of animals. We want to love you, and be loved by you.

This article is a good one. I suggest reading it. How to Lose the Woman you Love for Good.



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