Once upon a time

There are few words that sets the mind up for adventure like “Once upon a Time”. The feeling of endless opportunity, exciting adventures, and mystical places flood the mind. It makes me think that if I started my future story with “Once upon a Time”….how would I write the story. What would the ending be, who would I encounter, what battles would I fight and where would my adventure end. Would it be happily ever after, or would it be an endless journey of self betterment? Would the trail lead to far off places where the mountains touch the sky and the waters run clear as crystals? Would my companion be a righteous spirit animal, like a red dragon or white dire wolf?  The weapon of choice…bow and arrow…sword…sai’s??

I would like to write that story. However, I have a hard time allowing myself the time to do it. It is an internal struggle to allow that much down time and let myself get caught up in something that takes my mind away from what is around me. I think it would be a time where I am in the woods, or out of town to connect with that part of my mind that is free to expand, create and be free. There have been many words, stories and ideas floating around here that are in need of being released. But lo and behold, there they lay…undisturbed and waiting for freedom. The length of time it has been since I have created poetry, stories or free thought evades me…I do not know how long it has been. Too long my friend…too long.

Whats your “Once upon a time”???

snow and sunshine

I walked outside this morning, with a pig in my arms, the snow was cold and sun shined bright. It felt like spring was just around the corner, and I should be searching for the first bulbs to pop through the snow. It feels like it will be a year of growth, and a more adult feel to my life. It has been a good winter. I have felt more like myself this winter than in ones past. Usually I will get into a funk and feel insecure, lonely and not know what to do with myself.

At the beginning of this winter, I made a deal with myself. Do something that makes you happy. Like drawing, writing, cleaning a closet, watching a movie, do nothing, do something, learn something new. Do something Ellen that will make yourself feel happy each day. Also, be okay with not doing anything. Let yourself off the hook. This is your break of the year, you run your ass off the whole rest of the year. Take this time to let your mind and body rejuvenate. You don’t have to have a list you complete everyday. It is important to take time for you, the inner you, and outer you. Stay organized and yet be okay with the fact that you may have not put those clothes away.

Tapping into the skills I have that I ignore throughout the spring summer and fall. Like drawing and writing. I haven’t written in the longest time. I felt like there was a part of me I was neglecting. Same with drawing. I forget that I am pretty good at it. I will toot my own horn on that one. I love my art! What ends up on the paper. Seeing the visions I have become a reality on the piece of paper. Being in control of the outcome. Knowing I can make it happen. Then turning the page and starting anew.

I recommend you find yourself each day. When you feel that breeze blow across your face and you feel it flood your soul with freshness. There are moments like that when you see who you are on the inside. Knowing that you are strong and can concur the day, week, year ahead. Those moments are important to remember.

It is easy to lose yourself in the daily grind, slave to the dollar, societies judgements, rules and stipulations.

Hold onto the fierceness inside your soul.

Let the fire burn bright behind your eyes.

Feel the vibrations of the earth, steady and pure, flowing into your body.

Embrace yourself. Be true to yourself. Love yourself.

~Write and Explore~

Can you rough it?…yes I can

I just read a post about not being able to make it without computers, and how being at the end of a dirt road would not be possible for them….

I am the opposite. take my phone, take the internet and all the business of society! I m good.

I would love to have the simple life I grew up having. With only a few exceptions. I would have a killer root cellar and a toilet inside the house.

But I could totally live without the internet and all that goes along with it. We do not need it to survive, no matter what people think. I mean take your phone away and you will not collapse and die. Turn the internet off and you wont stop breathing. Is it nice. yea it is. but necessary to live…no.

We lived at the end of a dirt road with no one around us. We moved into the house when it only had 1/4 of the floor/roof finished, a ladder leading downstairs, and no walls completed. It was motivation to get it done before the snow flew. 🙂 We got it done by tearing down old buildings in town that no one wanted and using wood from our property that was made into boards by a neighbor at the bottom of the road.

The well was the best water I still love to drink to this day. So cold and clean. You feel like you are part of the earth then you drink it. The well was paid for by selling logs from the land.

I grew up very simply and without a lot of “Luxury” items. I had to take baths in metal tubs outside, with water heated up on wood stoves and poured into it, even in the winter. Let me tell you, it was like being in a personal hot springs. Snow falling around you as you sat in boiling water on the covered back porch, and watching the birds at the bird feeder. It was quiet and peaceful. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

We chopped wood to stay warm, harvesting the wood ourselves throughout the summer from the forest land that backs the property. We had a generator for quite a few years before we got power brought up the hill. During that time, if we wanted black and white T.V. for a few hours a night we had to start it up ourselves. I still remember how it sounded.

I as so blessed to have a childhood where hard work was a norm. I wish my kids could grow up like that. These days kids don’t know the meaning of hard work. I mean you get home, work on the house, or dig fence posts, chop wood, haul water, or fence in the horse pasture, all before starting your homework. We ate what was put in front of us without complaint, worked without grumbling, and never dreamed of talking back…unless you wanted your hair pulled or swatted with a spoon. I am grateful for my mother and her strength it took to raise me and my sister. It was tough for her. We did it on our own with no man, no money and at the beginning only a trailer that fit on the back of a truck to live in. God got us through it all.

The story is much longer than this. Our beginning on the property was not an ideal way to start. However, if it would have been easy…we wouldn’t have learned all we did or had all the adventures we did. They are my fondest childhood memories. Thank you mom for always being our rock, and for pushing us to be the women we are today. I love and adore you for all you have done for me. God has made your daughters into two strong individuals who can say they had a good life with more love than they could ever imagine. Thank you for never giving up when it was hard…or when you felt hopeless. I know you pushed on because there was no other choice. I take all those lessons to heart. There is always a direction to go. If you don’t move forward, you are only stuck in the misery around you.

I am not afraid of what the world can throw at me.

Thank you for showing me what it is to be a Woman.

~reflective and humbled~

 

 

a thought or two

It has been a while since I have poured any of my thoughts out onto paper. I thought it was about time to let some of it out. I guess it is a good thing that there has been no real issues to vent about but I need to remember that it doesn’t always have to be stress or negative when it comes to writing.

I have all these thoughts on how I should write and draw every day in the winter time since that is when I have the most time. but….it seems that all I want to do is nothing. 🙂 I guess that is because my body finally tells itself to relax. the down side to that is that my mind starts to go all mushy and blank. I need to remember to keep it stimulated and working so that my memory is sharp. I have enjoyed this winter break with the kids. it was great to spend time with them. we are so busy throughout the year that we barely see each other in the summer. I would say that is why I bask in the snow covered ground because it means family time and a time for my body to recuperate after a long summer of two jobs.

I am pretty excited about next year though. I have a few new clients, which means new yards to take care of. I also feel obligated to step up my game and learn more about the world of gardening and growing. I embrace the challenge and hope my pea brain can handle it. I have many books to start reading, because before you know it spring growing will be here and I will be drowning in plants and dirt once again.

A few things I am not sure I am ready for….I will have two teenagers next week…. holy cow. One of them will be driving soon too. it is starting to get pretty serious around here. I am not sure how I will handle him moving out. pretty sure I will freak a little…well maybe a lot. I have to make sure I have done all I can to get him ready to be responsible….dang that is a mountain to tackle all on its own.

My daughter and I were talking the other day, the one who is 13 next week, about how parenting does not come with a guide book. no matter how many “How To” or “Parenting” books you read, there are non that help you with the person that flew out of your body who is just like you and not like anyone else. There is no book attached and no sane advice that can help you mold that little human you just popped out. All you can do is try, fail, learn, succeed, fail again, cry, laugh, learn some more, and look inside yourself to see why the heck they are acting the way they are. And chances are is that they are acting that way because they are you. so when they throw a fit ask yourself would I have done that or have I done that when I was little. probably yes. most definitely yes. then figure out a way to help them through it the way no one ever helped you through it. because lets face it no one knows you better than you. and there fore no one knows your kid better than you. Next time they freak out…yell at you…hate you, cry, and laugh all in the matter of 10 minutes…think about how shitty it was to be a teenager who had no freaking clue why they felt that way. and if you don’t want them to turn to things you turned to get rid of that anger or frustration than I suggest you find a way to teach them how to deal with it. And telling them you understand and can relate to them because you were once like that…helps. Growing up sucks, raising them is fucking hard, doing it while staying sane…even harder. So have that glass of wine, and reflect on how to help your kids handle their shit before they hit the real world.

alright then time to wake the kid and get drivers-ed done, and be productive. it was good to write…better to vent and relieving to release thoughts.

~Happy writing~

So it starts

Spring is here….yeah I wrote those the words on February 28th. Sheesh it gets busy fast.

Now planting is in full swing, and there isn’t much time to breath. I think I need to hire a full time cook to make me dinner each night because frankly my dear I don’t give a flying leap sometimes. Yeah yeah I do it anyways. It is my job, and let’s face it I do love my family a lot. I’ll stop bitching and be happy I have a family to come home to.

I should be sleeping but can digress quite well, and my molar hurts. Might be from grinding my teeth but feels more like a cavity…and that’s all I need right now after just buying a car. Not.

I know I owe a fellow reader a post about my life having a pig as a pet. I will work on it and hopefully have it done soon. I like to keep my word.

I need a robot to bring me an ibuprofen…or 3.

End thought….

I m trapped between two pigs and am thirsty.
Night world. Hope your dreams aren’t as crazy and busy like mine.

so many thoughts…worst possible timing…

My first thought of the day was “Fuck you 3am”, and “How much coffee will it take to make it through the day?!!”  I wish I could have gotten back to sleep. I stared at the ceiling for a long time, laid there forcing my eyes closed listening to my pig dream about eating something, wrote a few things which I will attempt to get out into the universe this morning, thought about writing some more, thought about my future, thought about my present. Finally got up and was out of the shower by 5:03. Goody me.

I am reading the book called Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert, the same woman who wrote Eat Pray Love. I love her style of writing.

Now it occurred to me last night, or shall I say early this morning, that one of her phrases: “Sow Expectations, Reap Disappointments” is a very deep and real thing. This fact is so true and I would have to say that I agree with it completely. If I expect anything from anyone in this world, I am either let down, disappointed or my feelings get hurt. I have been fighting with this situation for a while now and after seeing those words on paper really struck a chord. Enough to make me go “Huh!” almost out loud while I lay in the pre dawn suspended state of awareness.

I also made up a questionnaire to post but will have to think on that one a bit before I post it, I want to be able to get the feedback that is needed without it being confusing to do so.  It is questions for men and women about each others wants and needs, I will be requesting Brutal honest from anyone who reads it. I like honesty, and look forward to seeing if anyone has the balls to spit out what they really feel. Not many like to do that. But here I have no fear and would like to see who else doesn’t as well. 🙂

I wrote a poem, well saw a poem, that I am going to try to write this morning as well. It was very powerful vision of a poem. We will see if I still have it in me to write like I used too. Possibly “Screaming Fire” is what it will be named. We will see.

Lets get this shit started.

 

click click…Ahhhhh

solitary

Oh man woke up with a bitching head ache, crabby beyond all reason, and somehow still able to find a mask to put on before I face my kids. It’s not their fault I don’t want to be part of society today. I had to turn on music so the clicking of game controllers stopped beating like symbols in my brain. I took 4 ibuprofen, and hope it will help.  I think it might be a Skylar Grey day, along with quiet knitting and reflection. Actually let myself have a Saturday, aside from watching my nephew play his first basketball game, very exciting, and lunch with my mom and sister. That will be nice, mostly because I don’t have to try to be happy or in a good mood. They accept me the way I am…moods and all. 🙂

Pancakes wait for no one and it would taste like shit in the powder form and not cooked. Off to the kitchen…its closer to my coffee pot anyways 😀

 

 

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Happiness is here 🙂

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I could stay there for weeks…

writers/motivation block

So I have had a mental and motivational block this week. No…motivation…at…all. Yeah it sucks. I would like to go for a walk but it’s too damn cold outside. It hurts my lungs. I know when I go back to work that I will have my energy back and I could get it back by exercising here at home…but lets face it…I don’t do that. 🙂 I will once in a while get my yoga mat out and stretch my tendons etc. I guess the reason I let myself be lazy is because for the rest of the year I run my butt off outside working, hauling, digging and all that jazz. My chest did start to feel tight yesterday which means I have been shallow breathing lately too much and need to expand my lungs. Today might be the day I try working out or at least do something physical that will get my lungs going. I do have a lot of piggy presents to clean out of the back yard. Also, tmi, it doesn’t help my pms is kicking in early. That really blows. I have no patience, am extremely irritable, and am sick of my routine. When it gets to the point where it is hard to even write shit, you know you have fallen into a slump. ptthhbbb. I need more coffee. I will hopefully be turned around by the end of the morning with something better to report.

Okay I thought about it…PROUCTIVITY is what I am missing. Feeling like I am productive and accomplishing something. I do through this each winter, duh Ellen. So we will be productive by maybe making a cake using my Wilton cake set with pretty roses and all that fun stuff. 🙂 That would be fun.

Lets be creative today and remember what God gave in this mind and spirit!

coffee

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