Once upon a time

There are few words that sets the mind up for adventure like “Once upon a Time”. The feeling of endless opportunity, exciting adventures, and mystical places flood the mind. It makes me think that if I started my future story with “Once upon a Time”….how would I write the story. What would the ending be, who would I encounter, what battles would I fight and where would my adventure end. Would it be happily ever after, or would it be an endless journey of self betterment? Would the trail lead to far off places where the mountains touch the sky and the waters run clear as crystals? Would my companion be a righteous spirit animal, like a red dragon or white dire wolf?  The weapon of choice…bow and arrow…sword…sai’s??

I would like to write that story. However, I have a hard time allowing myself the time to do it. It is an internal struggle to allow that much down time and let myself get caught up in something that takes my mind away from what is around me. I think it would be a time where I am in the woods, or out of town to connect with that part of my mind that is free to expand, create and be free. There have been many words, stories and ideas floating around here that are in need of being released. But lo and behold, there they lay…undisturbed and waiting for freedom. The length of time it has been since I have created poetry, stories or free thought evades me…I do not know how long it has been. Too long my friend…too long.

Whats your “Once upon a time”???

snow and sunshine

I walked outside this morning, with a pig in my arms, the snow was cold and sun shined bright. It felt like spring was just around the corner, and I should be searching for the first bulbs to pop through the snow. It feels like it will be a year of growth, and a more adult feel to my life. It has been a good winter. I have felt more like myself this winter than in ones past. Usually I will get into a funk and feel insecure, lonely and not know what to do with myself.

At the beginning of this winter, I made a deal with myself. Do something that makes you happy. Like drawing, writing, cleaning a closet, watching a movie, do nothing, do something, learn something new. Do something Ellen that will make yourself feel happy each day. Also, be okay with not doing anything. Let yourself off the hook. This is your break of the year, you run your ass off the whole rest of the year. Take this time to let your mind and body rejuvenate. You don’t have to have a list you complete everyday. It is important to take time for you, the inner you, and outer you. Stay organized and yet be okay with the fact that you may have not put those clothes away.

Tapping into the skills I have that I ignore throughout the spring summer and fall. Like drawing and writing. I haven’t written in the longest time. I felt like there was a part of me I was neglecting. Same with drawing. I forget that I am pretty good at it. I will toot my own horn on that one. I love my art! What ends up on the paper. Seeing the visions I have become a reality on the piece of paper. Being in control of the outcome. Knowing I can make it happen. Then turning the page and starting anew.

I recommend you find yourself each day. When you feel that breeze blow across your face and you feel it flood your soul with freshness. There are moments like that when you see who you are on the inside. Knowing that you are strong and can concur the day, week, year ahead. Those moments are important to remember.

It is easy to lose yourself in the daily grind, slave to the dollar, societies judgements, rules and stipulations.

Hold onto the fierceness inside your soul.

Let the fire burn bright behind your eyes.

Feel the vibrations of the earth, steady and pure, flowing into your body.

Embrace yourself. Be true to yourself. Love yourself.

~Write and Explore~

Summer mornings

If I could freeze the day right now and have 11 hours of cool summer morning sun, a strong hot cup of coffee, and a crisp cool breeze blowing in through the office window as I bust out the social media for the day……..that would be fantastic. I’ll have that please…yes that would be amazing.

the pig agrees….

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an adult

I had lunch with my mom yesterday. We have done this only one time before. She said something to me that stuck in my mind and touched my heart.  She said:

“No matter what you choose in your life, I will support you and stand beside you.” 

Knowing that my mother, whose opinion matters deeply, loves and supports me no matter what. She said along with that later that night, when I called and thanked her, said:

“Your kids will do whatever they feel is right no matter what when they are older 

so I need to stand by them.” 

I have gotten closer to my mother over the past few years. Especially this last year. It finally feels like we are equal adults, and able to talk without me feeling like a child anymore. It is a blessing to feel the support of my decisions, even though I would decide what I thought was right without approval. We all have to follow our hearts and guts and pray for the guidance along our own personal journeys.

Being confident in yourself, and your God leading your path, knowing that you are doing what is best for you, your family, your loved ones, is what matters.

Taking each day at a time. Not worrying. Loving completely. Laugh. Pray. Encourage. Forgive. Motivate yourself. Take time for You. Dance. Live. Be silent. Be loud. Be You. Give Kindness. Help others when you see a need. Be Chivalrous. Sing too loud. Be happy you have air in your lungs and a day to live to its fullest.

“See others for what and who they Are

Not for what You want them to be”

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unexciting…slightly eventful

I don’t think there will be enough coffee for me to get through this day without losing it. We shall see how the fibers of space and time bid today.

I didn’t write at all yesterday, and I don’t think I wrote the day before. I actually did my plant research and wrote almost all of my notes for growing in the spring. I have some more to do but I will get it done. I don’t know why I have been so exhausted lately. It sucks. I know that exercise is a big part of it. When I actually do my work out during the day and mental stimulation I sleep pretty good, considering the other factors of the little Pigs not waking me up too early, etc.

I don’t have any riveting epiphanies to talk about, nor do I have any dark hatred lingering. Mostly it is exhaustion from the past few weeks fretting about stuff. It caught up to me, not sleeping for that time. I guess I can not complain much, my guy doesn’t sleep very well at all…ever. But I love my sleep and am shit without it. It does not mesh well with me. I just can’t catch up. I would like to stop chasing fluffy pillows and soft blankets for quiet and rest. There has to be another reason as to why I am not sleeping good, or am tired all day.

I wrote a poem yesterday in my head…then I lost it. Pissed me off. I need to force myself to try to write like that again, and keep my paper handy so those random thoughts don’t float out the window and fly down the street as I drive, or floating away on soap bubbles while washing dishes. Trust me I have watched so many writings float up into the ether it is lunatic.

I feel the need for a hike, even though its snowy and cold. It would be invigorating and cleansing to the mind and soul.

…..so I stopped writing yesterday and finished getting ready etc. and continued on with my day.

Now it is the next morning and I am having a  difficult time typing due to the fact I thought it would be Oh so Fun to try and slice the top of my pinky off while prepping dinner…Good times. I am fancy today with my Pinky Held High. Gotta love the throbbing pain and constant worry that I m going to smash it or smack it on something…..all I have to say is coffee coffee coffee and more coffee.

true to self…

This phrase “Be true to yourself“… I have said this before, and have meant it. Now the hard part is keeping with that and not letting the world decide for you what you are going to be, how you are going to act and what you will become. I have realized a lot about myself over the past years as I have gotten older, and my kids do as well. I have realized that I am the one that is in control of me being true to myself. Not anyone else…me. I have the sole responsibility to be who I am, and to be true to myself. If I blame someone else, no matter the excuse, as to why I am not on the path I need to be on or why I don’t feel like myself…Not the way to go, I have only myself to hold accountable for where I am at today. I understand there are shitty situations we all go through, whether it have been being exposed to abuse or a fucked up family life, that affect how we see ourselves and our confidence. Some never get over that and need a severe amount of therapy and time to heal. I am not denying that fact. I have issues with being manipulated and emotional abuse in my past. It has taken a very long time for me to feel that I can make a decision and be okay with it. That I can stand up for myself and not be afraid of the outcome. God has gotten me through it all, and all credit goes to Him. So when I say to myself…”You need to be true to yourself Ellen! You need to do what is best for you!” I say “Okay then do it! It’s in your hands. Only you can make that happen. Suck it up and stop talking about it! Just be you!”

I love each person around me that has inspired me over the years, given me strength and showed me what it is like to actually grow up and be an adult, and to handle adult situations the right way. I feel like for the first time I have a clarity of self. I know that I am capable of handling the tasks in front of me, and finding my voice. It isn’t the end of the world when a hard topic comes up to talk about, even though it may feel like it. However, it is just an opportunity to handle the situation properly and maturely. I am grateful for all of the situations that have been put in front of me. I have been blessed through all of them in one way or another. Whether it be good or bad situations in my relationship, with my Sister, or mother they all bring their own blessings…this I know and believe. Right now I have in my life people I care about, love and cherish. All the good all the bad, I am blessed, I thank God for each tear and each laugh. Each moment that makes me feel human, like this is the purpose of living, why we were put here. To learn, fall, succeed, experience, love, lose, triumph and sing praises to the Heavens. We are here to be human, and accept all our faults and all our strengths. To be what God made us. We are by no means perfect and never will be. We will all fall short of the Glory of God and should spend each day reaching for it with self-reflection. This is easier said and typed than done. It is a task that takes everything you are…is it worth it? For sure.

To make the most of each day, accept all possible realities, and do what is right for me and everyone else around me is me being true to myself. Knowing that there are many paths before me and I can only take one at a time…knowing that wherever it may lead is where I am supposed to go…knowing that I am not alone. I have two children I would give my life for, a sister and mother I adore above and beyond, a boyfriend I love, friends that care about me, and a God that never leaves me. What more could one girl ask for.

The hardest thing one can do is stand up for what they believe in and be true to themselves. No matter the cost, no matter the outcome. If it is a noble self, respectable self and an honorable self you are striving for, then it is worth it.

My book, which is really my personal journal I packed everywhere for 4 years, is linked on the side of my blog if words of both dark and light, sadness, happiness and inspiration is what you seek.

Today’s Goal: Listen to music all day, Workout, , shower, Crock pot dinner, clean, pay bills, and finish my work journal…sucks that drinking coffee and dinking around on my computer sounds like more fun. But nope, not today. Maybe I will make time to draw or something, or read.

Green tips…snow on the ground…

When I started this blog I never thought I would actually get followers and people who appreciate or found interest in my words, my thoughts my messed up emotional rants and frequent freak outs about life and all the crap that goes on in my life. I have followers….crazy. I don’t really know how to take it.

I find myself thinking…holy shit people actually read my crap. It lets the door open that could possibly lead to me writing for a living and actually having the future I have envisioned in my head for a lifetime. Would it be possible to be successful at this? Or am I just entertaining an imaginary elusive day-dream that will always be a little out of my reach? Who knows, all I can do is keep doing what I do for myself until that heavy oak door swings wide open and the light shines through onto the mahogany floors lighting the path that is revealed.

Its snowing again. I like it but feel extremely stressed about the spring time. I have never grown flowers in a greenhouse before and it freaks me the fuck out to be honest with myself. Can I do it. Sure I can but it doesn’t stop the nerves from vibrating inside my mind and limbs constantly. I have had a lot of experience with plants and stuff but have never been given the responsibility of growing plants for 11 acres before. All the beauty of the yard in my hands. Shit that reminds me I have to find plants still. Ahh. I ll do it tomorrow or Monday, and get them shipped. Crap.

My coffee is fantastic this morning. I am loving it. My jammies are comfy but I fear it is time for me to get my ass out of my chair and start my day, being 12:31 and all. Ehh its Saturday right? I have the right to veg and be a bum for a while.

So Skylar Grey is pretty awesome. She is soothing to my mind, lets me calm my nerves and silence the voices for a little while. So many voices, and big elephants sitting on all my crap. I love writing, typing and feeling like I have given my words the proper place to rest for eternity. I should really work on one of the books I have started a year ago. I have about a paragraph on each of them and that’s it. We’ll see, writing something from start to finish is hard for me to imagine. It is a dedication of thought and time, and the stress of coming up with all the words to fill all the pages. It will come with the time is right.

Alright, times up for me. Until the next flow of words overwhelms my mind, and trips me as I try to focus on ordinary tasks.

wet nails and sunshine

Keeping with my word I will label my posts randomly if they have no purpose other than to simply exist. And this will be a short one. I feel it a necessity to write everyday. I write in my when I am trying to fall asleep and have so much I say to myself all day that it has to get out sometime, even if no one listens this isn’t what this is for.  It if for me to have a place to spill the shit out of my brain that runs rapid all day or night messing up my important thoughts. I talk to myself out loud if I don’t write it down. The most small random thought can invade a silent moment and stay there like an unwanted gray hair…sticking above all the rest. Here I am! It says…Shut up! I say to it. Does it listen. Nope.

The sun is shining and it reminds me that spring is coming sooner than I thought. Yikes. My springs and summers are so busy I can barely sit still. Plants wait for no one to grow, be grown and be planted and maintained. But hey, they don’t talk back, they smell and look fantastic and are the silent beauties of the world. I am blessed.

~I love the sun~

~So I hate labeling my posts…it will now say whatever pops into my head~

~God is good. And He is not afraid to test me, try me and push me to my limits…because He knows I will prevail with Him on my side and as my focus. Remember that Ellen…and don’t forget it…ever.

For many years I have struggled with confidence in myself, feeling insecure, being comfortable in my own skin, being able to speak my feelings, second guessing every single one of my actions making sure they are not going to make anyone around me upset. I used to never be this way. Lots of shit went down over the course of the last 10 years to create all of these messed up problems in my head and emotions. Lets face it, I may look like I have my shit together but I have problems and personal issues I choose not to share with anyone.

I know people say there are good days and bad. I say there are not days but minutes or hours. The constant battle there is mentally is exhausting, these are issues that are all my own and because I have not just listened to the voice inside of me the first time it speaks. I see reality and am clouded by hope and dreams. My emotions fly off into every directions, each painting their own picture and shoving it in my face. I cannot follow my emotions. I have to follow the real facts, the truth that slaps me in the face, the cold hard reality that is there. No matter what the outcome is…God has put that reality in front of me to embrace…So what holds me back. Lack of Courage? Faith? Strength? or the simple fact that I know that God placed a Grown Up Reality before me but it is has not been revealed yet. Like I said before…a precipice…

I will do my best to hold onto those moments that I am given where I feel like I am ready for any future, any reality, any decision needing to be made. In these moments of clarity, as brief as they are, the space in my mind opens, there is a large flat field, blue skies above and low laying billowing clouds. Birds chirp, the sun shines and a cool breeze blows through my hair. That is what I will fix my mind on and center it in my chest, tracing the image over and over again until it is permanent. ~

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