Once upon a time

There are few words that sets the mind up for adventure like “Once upon a Time”. The feeling of endless opportunity, exciting adventures, and mystical places flood the mind. It makes me think that if I started my future story with “Once upon a Time”….how would I write the story. What would the ending be, who would I encounter, what battles would I fight and where would my adventure end. Would it be happily ever after, or would it be an endless journey of self betterment? Would the trail lead to far off places where the mountains touch the sky and the waters run clear as crystals? Would my companion be a righteous spirit animal, like a red dragon or white dire wolf?  The weapon of choice…bow and arrow…sword…sai’s??

I would like to write that story. However, I have a hard time allowing myself the time to do it. It is an internal struggle to allow that much down time and let myself get caught up in something that takes my mind away from what is around me. I think it would be a time where I am in the woods, or out of town to connect with that part of my mind that is free to expand, create and be free. There have been many words, stories and ideas floating around here that are in need of being released. But lo and behold, there they lay…undisturbed and waiting for freedom. The length of time it has been since I have created poetry, stories or free thought evades me…I do not know how long it has been. Too long my friend…too long.

Whats your “Once upon a time”???

what a year

~This is the part when I am supposed to say how this year was the best year….. there were positive outcomes of this year that I am very thankful for. My business went really well and the we acquired a lot of new clients. My husband and I are doing wonderfully. My Daughter is improving her self as well, and everyone was healthy physically. On a personal level as a mom…hardest…year… ever. I am going to share some raw and painful things that happened because I need to get it out and maybe there is another parent that is in this same situation. I will only talk about what has gone on with my 17 year old son. My daughters struggles are too personal to share.

I thought the last year of my son being at home was going to be the best one we would have. We would prepare for him to move out, pack stuff, gather stuff, and get excited about his new adventure. House hunting, reminiscing while packing old toys and treasures…. Having moments we would remember forever, and making memories. That was not the case. It was a year of fighting, power struggles and stubborn ego filled days where he was always right in his mind and I was the root of all evil and everything that was wrong. I get it hes a teen and I m the easiest person to blame. Doesn’t make it right…but I was used to it by then. Kids are not easy. Especially a boy that has his moms temper, boys ego and the internal struggle of the transition between boy and man.

A few months ago was the breaking point. He screwed up didn’t do his lessons for school and mouthed off to me with such a level of disrespect that it lead to him loosing his WiFi. Meaning he couldn’t play his precious game. Which has started to take priority in his life for a while. Me taking it away led to him telling me that he didn’t need me anymore, I was ruining his life and controlling it so he was unable to do what he was supposed too do. All bull. He was punished for his actions, and there are consequences for actions. He didn’t believe  there should be….don’t know how in the world that sprouted into action but hey cool whatever kid, that’s not reality. So that same day he crushed my heart, and my spirit. He called me names said he was done and was going to move out and never talk to me again. He was blind with rage.  I cried for 3 days. I was told by a good friend to read in the book of Luke about the prodigal son. I did and was moved to talk with him and move on.

We were good for a few months, he caught up in school a were starting to talk again. Then he started to get into a mood again and said if I wanted to help him at all that I should get him out of the house. At this point I had Two options….let him move out to some place where I didn’t know where he was or how he was.  Or get him safe and sound with his Uncle. I chose the #2. My son and I have always been close, we are so alike and he has always been my little man full of smiles and laughter. That seemed to leave as he got older. I miss him terribly. Its like a part of me has died and I am running in circles trying to find it.  I didn’t agree with him leaving so the packing of his room was all on him and moving it into his room at his uncles. I couldn’t be a part of it. I made sure he had all the things he needed and out the door he walked.

I have never felt so alone and abandoned in my  life. A piece of me was walking away and didn’t feel any remorse or sad feelings. I wonder if he does at all. We don’t talk that much. And I barely see him. He doesn’t want me nagging about school and has threatened to block me if I pester him too much. I will not stop being a mom but I have learned that I need to step back and he will make his choices good or bad. If he just finishes school I will be relieved. He has a good job and works hard there. But school is our biggest fight and always has been. We have gone to tutors for years, and switched to online school. He has 4 classes left and hes done forever. I just need to see him through that and then he will be free of it. I encourage and try to give reminders, all the while wishing I could get him to see how much he is cared for and loved. He sees it as controlling and nagging.

I hope someday he sees how much I sacrificed for him and how much I was just trying to be there for him. His words hurt, and he doesn’t realize it. I have gotten crushed multiple times these past few months and have begun to not really feel like myself or like I know what I m doing as a mom. Prayer helps and having Faith. That has been my only saving Grace is God. I cannot begin to describe the emotional roller coaster it has been and how hard it has been watching my son that I love so dearly pull away and blame me for his choices and mistakes. My arms will always be here open and ready to hold him when he is sad or needs comfort. I know that he is growing up and trying to figure out his own life. I just wish things would have ended better and he would have stayed until he was 18. He moved out a little over a month ago….and I still feel like he is in his room. It was the end of happy family times, listening to music, laughing, wrestling, and hearing his stories. It’s like there was a death in the family and I am recovering from the loss.

Each day brings a new struggle, a new battle in my mind. A new hurtle to jump over and more prayers prayed than I ever have. I hope one day we will be close again and I will have my son back. Even now tears well up in my eyes, and there are few days that go by that I don’t cry. I love him forever, he will always be my little boy no matter how big he gets. He is my son….until the end of time I will cherish him. I forgive him, and wait for him to mature and see the people around him through Gods eyes…not his own. Love you buddy. ~

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