I need another hand to eat my chips while I type and not get my keyboard all icky, and a hot plate for my coffee so it will stop getting cold.
I feel like I am standing at the edge of a fucked up precipice. (okay I had look that word up never wrote it before) Well maybe not a fucked up one but one that has so many turns and twists in it that my head is spinning like a giant top ready to fall into a pile of shit if not caught before falling off the table. I m fighting all the voices in my head and they distracted me so bad that I had to sit down write instead of studying my Greenhouse planting and growing. I at least got a shower, and dishes done, plus dinner in the crock pot and garbage emptied. I can hear everyone’s voices in my head today, negative and positive, my voice included. I am feeling the way some people see me more and more. But how do I see me? Is it my fault they see me the way they do or is it because of their own perception fogged or distorted what I am. Shitty to think that we let the way people see us affect us so deeply on becoming who we know we can become. But then again it is our own damn fault if we let another persons ideals of us cripple and prevent us from succeeding thriving and concurring all that is in our minds. Granted I have fucked my self over many times, quit college, didn’t pay attention in school, didn’t care enough to further my knowledge when I was young and my brain was a sponge. It is twice as hard to retain any kind of pertinent information without really racking my brain and studying.
I if I could draw what is in my head…I will try later… it would look like floating roads all intersecting at one spot, high above the ground, me standing in the intersection, wind blowing through my hair, clear skies all around me. The roads are not sturdy and will only be able to hold my weight when I decide which one is for me. There are $ signs floating around, kids faces (my own), my Job (Flowers), relationship, family, home, debt, future, job, career, retirement, all the shit I can think of is drifting past me. Maybe it’s not that I have to choose one thing to tackle at a time but make a logical plan of attack…like a time line. I bought a notebook to keep up on my books and make a goal to be debt free in a few months, aside from the new car I will have to buy. That kind screws me over, but my “Old Betsy” van will not last much longer. She is kicking the bucket slowly. I thank God she is still running each time I turn her on.
Ugh…not sure all that salt was good for me. My stomach has been shitty for a few days. I blame stress, would be better if it was being sick. But can’t be a child forever, and have to be a grown up at some point. I am almost 33 and feel like I am much older in spirit. My soul is youthful thanks to my Kids. My heart is aged due to my life and all the lessons I have learned. My mind fades in memory, but that is something I can work on with practice. My body feels ancient, I push myself too hard when I work, I have had a bitch of a cramp in my calf all day, even walking around didn’t help. Sucks. My hands hurt, my back is shot, and my feet are never happy with me. Have I pissed and moaned enough. I guess.
The sun is now shinning on my face though the office window. I feel a little more vented, having puked this all out onto the screen, and throwing it into the universe. There is a release of calm that comes with letting it all go out to the infinite beyond. I will let this be for now, and make my budget, 2 hours of calm before my chaos begins.
Bring it on. I can do it. I am ready, even if I m not… I will suck it up and face it with my head held high and my mind focused.
I refuse to not sing out loud and off-key all day. 🙂