My shadow

~The thick cloth has been removed.

Light engulfs all

A warm soft glow of nostalgic warmth

Sends warmth flowing over my skin.

The familiar glow of peace.

An old friend who has been hidden for so long,

Bright, innocent, warm, pure, creative.

Let’s walk together, hand in hand,

Embracing the love wrapping its arms around us.

Darkness subsides,

Cold metal drops from the wrists,

Bursting through the portal of the past,

You are no longer alone.

We are one, my shadow and I.

She has walked down empty hallways for too long.

She is here now… I embrace you

Welcome back to the living.~

 

~Write and Explore~

Lets send my Neice to DC! We Need your help!

I want to take a moment to ask for some help sending my niece to Washington DC the end of this 8th grade school year.

Her year has started off extremely hard so far and isn’t getting much easier. Her dad suffered a major stroke, and she was the one who found him. He is in recovery at the moment and will be in the hospital for months regaining the use of his limbs.

She is a sweet kind young lady who would like something to look forward too during this hard time. Please share the link and find it in your heart to donate.

Lily loves art, animals, adventures and always puts others before herself. She has the kindest heart and soul out of our whole family. She is always there with a joke, hug or kind words when you are down. Lily amazes me with her generous loving spirit.

I thank you for your time and please share this post. Lets see if we can get it across the nation! So we can send her across the country!

~Love and Happiness~

~I have the opportunity to travel to Washington DC with my friends and classmates, and I need your help! Will you consider sponsoring my trip? Every donation made will help me to; study the rich history of our great nation, experience life from the perspective of our founding fathers and ancestors,and tour sites of historic importance and significant value to our country. Thank you for your support and for helping to make this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity possible.~ From Lily

Once upon a time

There are few words that sets the mind up for adventure like “Once upon a Time”. The feeling of endless opportunity, exciting adventures, and mystical places flood the mind. It makes me think that if I started my future story with “Once upon a Time”….how would I write the story. What would the ending be, who would I encounter, what battles would I fight and where would my adventure end. Would it be happily ever after, or would it be an endless journey of self betterment? Would the trail lead to far off places where the mountains touch the sky and the waters run clear as crystals? Would my companion be a righteous spirit animal, like a red dragon or white dire wolf?  The weapon of choice…bow and arrow…sword…sai’s??

I would like to write that story. However, I have a hard time allowing myself the time to do it. It is an internal struggle to allow that much down time and let myself get caught up in something that takes my mind away from what is around me. I think it would be a time where I am in the woods, or out of town to connect with that part of my mind that is free to expand, create and be free. There have been many words, stories and ideas floating around here that are in need of being released. But lo and behold, there they lay…undisturbed and waiting for freedom. The length of time it has been since I have created poetry, stories or free thought evades me…I do not know how long it has been. Too long my friend…too long.

Whats your “Once upon a time”???

what a year

~This is the part when I am supposed to say how this year was the best year….. there were positive outcomes of this year that I am very thankful for. My business went really well and the we acquired a lot of new clients. My husband and I are doing wonderfully. My Daughter is improving her self as well, and everyone was healthy physically. On a personal level as a mom…hardest…year… ever. I am going to share some raw and painful things that happened because I need to get it out and maybe there is another parent that is in this same situation. I will only talk about what has gone on with my 17 year old son. My daughters struggles are too personal to share.

I thought the last year of my son being at home was going to be the best one we would have. We would prepare for him to move out, pack stuff, gather stuff, and get excited about his new adventure. House hunting, reminiscing while packing old toys and treasures…. Having moments we would remember forever, and making memories. That was not the case. It was a year of fighting, power struggles and stubborn ego filled days where he was always right in his mind and I was the root of all evil and everything that was wrong. I get it hes a teen and I m the easiest person to blame. Doesn’t make it right…but I was used to it by then. Kids are not easy. Especially a boy that has his moms temper, boys ego and the internal struggle of the transition between boy and man.

A few months ago was the breaking point. He screwed up didn’t do his lessons for school and mouthed off to me with such a level of disrespect that it lead to him loosing his WiFi. Meaning he couldn’t play his precious game. Which has started to take priority in his life for a while. Me taking it away led to him telling me that he didn’t need me anymore, I was ruining his life and controlling it so he was unable to do what he was supposed too do. All bull. He was punished for his actions, and there are consequences for actions. He didn’t believe  there should be….don’t know how in the world that sprouted into action but hey cool whatever kid, that’s not reality. So that same day he crushed my heart, and my spirit. He called me names said he was done and was going to move out and never talk to me again. He was blind with rage.  I cried for 3 days. I was told by a good friend to read in the book of Luke about the prodigal son. I did and was moved to talk with him and move on.

We were good for a few months, he caught up in school a were starting to talk again. Then he started to get into a mood again and said if I wanted to help him at all that I should get him out of the house. At this point I had Two options….let him move out to some place where I didn’t know where he was or how he was.  Or get him safe and sound with his Uncle. I chose the #2. My son and I have always been close, we are so alike and he has always been my little man full of smiles and laughter. That seemed to leave as he got older. I miss him terribly. Its like a part of me has died and I am running in circles trying to find it.  I didn’t agree with him leaving so the packing of his room was all on him and moving it into his room at his uncles. I couldn’t be a part of it. I made sure he had all the things he needed and out the door he walked.

I have never felt so alone and abandoned in my  life. A piece of me was walking away and didn’t feel any remorse or sad feelings. I wonder if he does at all. We don’t talk that much. And I barely see him. He doesn’t want me nagging about school and has threatened to block me if I pester him too much. I will not stop being a mom but I have learned that I need to step back and he will make his choices good or bad. If he just finishes school I will be relieved. He has a good job and works hard there. But school is our biggest fight and always has been. We have gone to tutors for years, and switched to online school. He has 4 classes left and hes done forever. I just need to see him through that and then he will be free of it. I encourage and try to give reminders, all the while wishing I could get him to see how much he is cared for and loved. He sees it as controlling and nagging.

I hope someday he sees how much I sacrificed for him and how much I was just trying to be there for him. His words hurt, and he doesn’t realize it. I have gotten crushed multiple times these past few months and have begun to not really feel like myself or like I know what I m doing as a mom. Prayer helps and having Faith. That has been my only saving Grace is God. I cannot begin to describe the emotional roller coaster it has been and how hard it has been watching my son that I love so dearly pull away and blame me for his choices and mistakes. My arms will always be here open and ready to hold him when he is sad or needs comfort. I know that he is growing up and trying to figure out his own life. I just wish things would have ended better and he would have stayed until he was 18. He moved out a little over a month ago….and I still feel like he is in his room. It was the end of happy family times, listening to music, laughing, wrestling, and hearing his stories. It’s like there was a death in the family and I am recovering from the loss.

Each day brings a new struggle, a new battle in my mind. A new hurtle to jump over and more prayers prayed than I ever have. I hope one day we will be close again and I will have my son back. Even now tears well up in my eyes, and there are few days that go by that I don’t cry. I love him forever, he will always be my little boy no matter how big he gets. He is my son….until the end of time I will cherish him. I forgive him, and wait for him to mature and see the people around him through Gods eyes…not his own. Love you buddy. ~

Morning Yoga

Monday morning….frosty ground…dark af outside. As I sit in front of the fire, waiting for my teenagers to get ready for school, I feel a twinge in my back. Crunching on ginger snaps and sipping my coffee, I think to myself: “Hmmm I should do some yoga this morning.” So I lay a blanket down, turn YouTube on…..and watch imomsohard. Yup it’s Monday. I’ll get around to it….one more cookie.

15 minutes later…..

After stretching, and watching Jimmy Fallon, I turned to my routine that my best friend Brittany made for me to help with my rotator cuff, and my hip stiffness. She is amazing at what she does and I’m so happy to finally get back into my healing routine. It has been months. I also found a 10 minute morning yoga on YouTube that helped me warm up. I will add planking on forearms then on palm the next time around. I need to build up my core. It is the center of all our strength, and my back needs the support.

Now to eat breakfast and watch a show. It is my day off after all and pigs need cuddling.

~until next time~

snow and sunshine

I walked outside this morning, with a pig in my arms, the snow was cold and sun shined bright. It felt like spring was just around the corner, and I should be searching for the first bulbs to pop through the snow. It feels like it will be a year of growth, and a more adult feel to my life. It has been a good winter. I have felt more like myself this winter than in ones past. Usually I will get into a funk and feel insecure, lonely and not know what to do with myself.

At the beginning of this winter, I made a deal with myself. Do something that makes you happy. Like drawing, writing, cleaning a closet, watching a movie, do nothing, do something, learn something new. Do something Ellen that will make yourself feel happy each day. Also, be okay with not doing anything. Let yourself off the hook. This is your break of the year, you run your ass off the whole rest of the year. Take this time to let your mind and body rejuvenate. You don’t have to have a list you complete everyday. It is important to take time for you, the inner you, and outer you. Stay organized and yet be okay with the fact that you may have not put those clothes away.

Tapping into the skills I have that I ignore throughout the spring summer and fall. Like drawing and writing. I haven’t written in the longest time. I felt like there was a part of me I was neglecting. Same with drawing. I forget that I am pretty good at it. I will toot my own horn on that one. I love my art! What ends up on the paper. Seeing the visions I have become a reality on the piece of paper. Being in control of the outcome. Knowing I can make it happen. Then turning the page and starting anew.

I recommend you find yourself each day. When you feel that breeze blow across your face and you feel it flood your soul with freshness. There are moments like that when you see who you are on the inside. Knowing that you are strong and can concur the day, week, year ahead. Those moments are important to remember.

It is easy to lose yourself in the daily grind, slave to the dollar, societies judgements, rules and stipulations.

Hold onto the fierceness inside your soul.

Let the fire burn bright behind your eyes.

Feel the vibrations of the earth, steady and pure, flowing into your body.

Embrace yourself. Be true to yourself. Love yourself.

~Write and Explore~

Can you rough it?…yes I can

I just read a post about not being able to make it without computers, and how being at the end of a dirt road would not be possible for them….

I am the opposite. take my phone, take the internet and all the business of society! I m good.

I would love to have the simple life I grew up having. With only a few exceptions. I would have a killer root cellar and a toilet inside the house.

But I could totally live without the internet and all that goes along with it. We do not need it to survive, no matter what people think. I mean take your phone away and you will not collapse and die. Turn the internet off and you wont stop breathing. Is it nice. yea it is. but necessary to live…no.

We lived at the end of a dirt road with no one around us. We moved into the house when it only had 1/4 of the floor/roof finished, a ladder leading downstairs, and no walls completed. It was motivation to get it done before the snow flew. 🙂 We got it done by tearing down old buildings in town that no one wanted and using wood from our property that was made into boards by a neighbor at the bottom of the road.

The well was the best water I still love to drink to this day. So cold and clean. You feel like you are part of the earth then you drink it. The well was paid for by selling logs from the land.

I grew up very simply and without a lot of “Luxury” items. I had to take baths in metal tubs outside, with water heated up on wood stoves and poured into it, even in the winter. Let me tell you, it was like being in a personal hot springs. Snow falling around you as you sat in boiling water on the covered back porch, and watching the birds at the bird feeder. It was quiet and peaceful. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

We chopped wood to stay warm, harvesting the wood ourselves throughout the summer from the forest land that backs the property. We had a generator for quite a few years before we got power brought up the hill. During that time, if we wanted black and white T.V. for a few hours a night we had to start it up ourselves. I still remember how it sounded.

I as so blessed to have a childhood where hard work was a norm. I wish my kids could grow up like that. These days kids don’t know the meaning of hard work. I mean you get home, work on the house, or dig fence posts, chop wood, haul water, or fence in the horse pasture, all before starting your homework. We ate what was put in front of us without complaint, worked without grumbling, and never dreamed of talking back…unless you wanted your hair pulled or swatted with a spoon. I am grateful for my mother and her strength it took to raise me and my sister. It was tough for her. We did it on our own with no man, no money and at the beginning only a trailer that fit on the back of a truck to live in. God got us through it all.

The story is much longer than this. Our beginning on the property was not an ideal way to start. However, if it would have been easy…we wouldn’t have learned all we did or had all the adventures we did. They are my fondest childhood memories. Thank you mom for always being our rock, and for pushing us to be the women we are today. I love and adore you for all you have done for me. God has made your daughters into two strong individuals who can say they had a good life with more love than they could ever imagine. Thank you for never giving up when it was hard…or when you felt hopeless. I know you pushed on because there was no other choice. I take all those lessons to heart. There is always a direction to go. If you don’t move forward, you are only stuck in the misery around you.

I am not afraid of what the world can throw at me.

Thank you for showing me what it is to be a Woman.

~reflective and humbled~

 

 

Yellowstone Adventures

Sunday, June 11 2017

Our journey to Yellowstone begins with a car full of gear, two kids, one mom and adventurous spirits ready for an awesome 4 day family Camping Vacation.

Day 1: The Journey

Mom~ The kids are old enough now to be a joy to travel with. Driving through the mountains was breathtaking and something I enjoy every time. I love the mountains. Beautiful… We had wonderful talks while on the road, about any and everything under the sun. The snowy mountains on entering the park were incredible. We had a safe trip to our quiet campsite.

Kayla~ I Loved my snacks, especially the vanilla wafers, along the way and got to sit in the front seat the whole way there. I loved it. I spotted the first prehistoric looking Pelican and the first Bison. We saw a baby Bison nursing her mom. Super sweet. Kaden made Wiggy the seal and Pongo the penguin dance to keep me entertained. What a good brother.

Kaden~ Travelling here with mom and Kayla was great! I loved it. I was the best at being the “Snack Man” during the trip, making sure Kayla and mom had the food they needed. I spotted the first Elk by the camp. It was huge and had velvet on his antlers still. I had fun getting the tent set up and settling in.

Side notes: The streams were fast moving with swift currents. We all loved watching the steam from the geysers on the trip down to our campsite at Bridge Bay.

Monday, June 12 2017

Day 2: Headed out into the Park

Mom~ Journal entry: It thundered and rained last night. It was an amazing experience to hear the thunder roll across the vast sky and over Yellowstone Lake. The rain wasn’t for too long and the morning is divine. To wake up to fresh air, birds chirping and the sun on my face…perfect. The kids and I went for a quick walk last night to stretch our legs after being in the car for nine hours. Kaden looked over at me with a big smile on his face and said “We need to do this more often!” To see his face light up and be so happy was a burst of love to my heart. I need to have more memory making times with them before they move out. I look forward to the days journeys. It looks partly cloudy which is good. It would be great to have no rain. Now off to breakfast.

Our day started off with a great breakfast with lots of sunshine! We ate by the lake then took off across the park.

Kayla~ Seeing a coyote was great! It was what one animal on my list to see.

Kaden~ The Dragons Breath cave/geyser was awesome! I think I saw a bear in the woods. it was hard to see.

All~ We saw may Bison walking down the road! Called one of them Buddy. The stretch of road that had all the geysers is our favorite. The winds were very strong on our last stop just above Biscuit Basin. The winds felt like they held us up when we jumped in the air. Then the skies turned to gray…and it started to snow. Little did we know that our poor little tent was in for a rough ride. While we enjoyed “Old Faithful” and had a wonderful dinner with great food and service, the snow started to really come down. When we got back to camp we found our tend collapsed and covered in slushy snow. What a mess. We spent the next 40 minutes getting our tent upright, pulling it closer to some small trees, and covering it with a new tarp we bought at the general store.  Thankfully, our blankets were dry. We snuggled in and got ready for the snow to continue to fly all night. We only had to kick our feet up from inside the tent two times to upright it while we slept. What an adventure!!

Animal count in order of appearance Day 2:

3 Elk, 2 Ducks, Quite a few swallows, 4 Elk, A flock of Geese, 1 Coyote, 1 Seagull, A hole ton of Buffalo, 2 Flocks of Geese, More Bison, 3 Deer, 1 Chipmunk, 1 Hawk, 1 Deer, A Duck, 2 Blackbirds, 1 Bear? (hard to tell), 2 Elk, lots of Birds

Day 3: Out to explore again!

All~ We woke up to snow falling all around us. We had breakfast by the lake and watched the snow fly sideways off the water and through the trees. We could not go to Lamar due to the road being closed because of the snowfall. So we visited some of our favorite sites. Still a wonderful day even though it snowed.

Kaden wanted to hike a little and stretch his legs. We decided to go for a hike at the Artists Paint spot. How amazing it was to get all the different views and get into the Back Country of Yellowstone.

Our dinner reservation was at Grant Village by the lake. We had a table right by the water and got to enjoy the scenery while we ate fabulous local foods. Bison burgers are the best, as was the Bison stroganoff. When we got back to camp it was no longer raining so we went for a walk. To our delight we saw 3 Elk right by the road. Two large males and one small male. One loved a stick and was throwing it around. The other loved the logs and kept chewing on them, and the small one loved the small trees. It was a great way to end the day.

Side notes by Kayla: Woke up to blizzard. tent only caved in twice. Less than 15 minutes on the road and we already spotted 2 Elk. Its super windy, especially by the lake! We are on the lookout for a bear. We want to climb the treehouse where we had dinner last night. Buffalo stood in the middle of the road, itching his face. We get exhausted quickly while hiking or walking due to the elevation. We played the Veggie Tales soundtrack in the car. We saw the Flying Pan! Its really stinky like a fart. Marmots make really loud noses. We also saw Roaring Mountain.

Animal count in order of appearance Day 3:

2 Elk, a herd of Bison, a flock of Geese, a Duck, 5 Geese, 2 herds of Bison, 1 herd of Bison, 2 lone Bison, 2 flocks of Geese, 1 Bison, to many buffalo to count!, 2 Elk, 3 Deer, 2 Eagles, 1 Raven, 1 Bird, 1 Snowman, 1 Elk, 1 Deer, 3 Marmots, 1 Weasel, 1 Black Bear!, 1 Hawk, 1 Deer, 5 Elk, many Ducks, 1 Elk, Gathering of Geese, 1 Big Elk in middle of road!

Day 4: Journey Home

 

 

 

you are worth it….

there are so many things I could say to try and boost the confidence inside your soul. there is so much I wish you could see in yourself…the things that I see every day. You are amazingly strong and don’t give yourself credit for all the shit you have been through and all the things you are capable of. God and you can do anything!! I know that the world is huge, scary and so freaking uncontrollable. but what would we get out of our journey if it wasn’t fucked up some times and super hard.

The mud is a few feet deep and will try to keep you stuck. but so help me God I will keep those boots on your feet and keep walking beside you no matter what! you are not alone and I will never leave you. neither will your God or family. its pretty messed up the crap we endure, and on the other hand what is life but mistakes, love, laughter, tears, and happiness.

In the times when there I no hope there is something else… a direction to go. if you only have one way to go, up, then go. if all else seems lost then you are right were you need to be and you have a path to finally follow. The one out of the shit ass place you are stuck in. Hold my hand, Hold Gods, and lets get through it together.

The love of a sister in Christ never fades, it only burns brighter.

I see a fire inside your soul it is waiting for the fuel to get a little closer then….look out. that is going to be a blaze no one can stand in the way of.

you are beautiful, strong, caring, and have been through enough to last a lifetime. we are not defined by what others think of us. We shouldn’t feel the need to be defined by anything or anyone. It should be our goal to hold ourselves to our own high standards, making ourselves proud, our God and in the end being able to fade from this world knowing that we did all we could to be happy each day. No matter how hard it was to make the choices you needed to ensure your own happiness.

We have a choice each day. and sometimes those choices will set in motion the biggest mountain you have ever climbed. but imagine yourself at the top of that hill…you did it. you can and you will. it all starts with the first step. and you are not alone. you are loved cared for and there is nothing that will ever change that.

hold your head high. know you are worth it.

you are worth it. you are strong enough

you deserve happiness

you are worth it.

I will tell you everyday, and hold your hand each step.

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